And that could very well be the problem for many couples. There are plenty of people out there who are afflicted with one issue or another when it comes to sex. But sweeping these problems under the rug has become all too common. Despite society's obsession with sex, when it comes to discussing our own woes between the sheets, we have a tendency to become very tight-lipped.
Well the doctor is in and he's made it his mission to help those folks who are struggling, sexually speaking. Ian Kerner, PhD, has the love touch and he's sharing his healing powers with you readers. Although he's battled his own sexual demons, he's not just speaking from experience. Kerner holds a doctorate in Clinical Sexology and is the author of She Comes First: the Thinking Man's Guide to Pleasuring a Woman (HarperCollins).
"I suffered with sexual dysfunction and inadequacy," he tells us from his New York office. "I tried a lot of different ways of dealing, including sex therapy. I was so inspired and transformed by the experience that when I had to change careers and start down a new path, I decided to study human sexuality and sex therapy."
In addition to being on the faculty of the American Academy of Clinical Sexologists, Ian is certified by the American Board of Sexology and is also a member of The Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality and their sister-organization, The American Association of Sex Educators, Counselors and Therapists.
Since working out the kinks in his own sex life, Kerner, who's happily married, has been counseling others for the last five years. These days he's most commonly treating couples in their twenties and thirties.
Some common maladies from women include: no enjoyment out of sex, faking orgasms or lack of orgasms in their relationship. Men, on the other hand, suffer from premature ejaculation or some sort of sexual anxiety that prevents them from being in a committed relationship.
Couples often are afflicted with mismatched libidos, low desire, infidelity or sex ruts. Kerner points out that when the "honeymoon period" of the relationship ends, the thrill is gone. People might think there is something wrong with them, but it's simply a matter of learning how to move from the initial phase into a long-term committed relationship with an exciting sex life.
You don't necessarily have to seek out the help of a sex therapist right off the bat, he says. There are measures you can take to improve the quality of your sex life. The first step is leaving your problems at the door. Don't let your troubles with money, work or family seep into your sex life. Communicating with your partner is also essential. Talk about your sexuality and discuss intimacy issues instead of shutting each other out.
"I think very often reading a book or even being inspired by a magazine can help," Ian says. "Start your own path of communication. Sometimes a therapist is a good idea. People often need a moderated environment with a professional who has a process of allowing couples to communicate with each other and then offering clinically-proven therapy solutions to address the problems.
"It also depends on the nature of the problem and relationship. It's important to note that therapy isn't just for when things are terrible. Therapy can be a healthy way of contextualizing issues and facilitating the process of communication."
In this exclusive article, Kerner shares 10 secrets to revving up a stalled sex life.
1. Take foreplay out of the bedroom. Make it part of the fabric of your life -- whether it's public displays of affection, sexy emails, dinner on the town or dancing. The best sex often happens outside the bedroom. People in a healthy, growing relationship have a lot in common, as well as respect each other's differences. This provides the best impetus for having a good sex life.
2. Just do it. Many of us are slow starters sexually. Once you get going it's much easier to build and maintain momentum. Like exercise, sometimes you have to make the decision to do it. It may seem like a bit of a chore. However, once intercourse is underway you're enjoying yourself and things continue from there.
3. Be physical without the expectation of sex. Focus on kissing, hugging, cuddling, talking and holding hands. Feel free to be physical with each other without the expectation that it's going to lead to sexual intercourse. Physical affection and intimacy doesn't always have to lead to sex. Removing expectations allows us to be more intimate with each other.
4. Get into a present state of mind. Let go of your stress and anxiety. Try and leave a lot of the issues you might be worrying about outside the bedroom door. Turn sex into a present moment experience. Let go of your relationship baggage. Even if you're having issues in your relationship, that doesn't mean you can't have fun, enjoyable sex.
5. Fantasize. Give yourself permission to fantasize. Fantasize during sex -- even if it's about someone else. Talk about your fantasies with each other. People should remember the brain is the biggest sex organ. The brain is often the biggest aphrodisiac. We sometimes are so uncomfortable at the thought of communicating. Once you break the ice and start talking about your turn-offs, turn-ons and fantasies, it spices things up quickly.
6. Turn foreplay into coreplay. Break out of "intercourse discourse." We are so caught up with penis/vagina intercourse being in dominant mode. The dominant way to achieve sexual satisfaction often becomes routine and familiar. It quickly becomes all about intercourse. Turn foreplay into coreplay by focusing on kissing, touching, manual stimulation and oral stimulation. All of these things add excitement. Full-body sexuality adds a new dimension to your experience.
7. Pleasure yourself. Clinical studies show that couples with healthy sex lives masturbate more often. You can be in a healthy relationship, have a healthy sex life and still masturbate. Masturbation is a good way to jumpstart the libido.
8. Become comfortable in your own body. This used to apply mainly to women, but it also affects men. Poor body image is a major source of anxiety. We're often unaware of how anxiety inhibits us sexually. It can cripple who you are. You have to be comfortable in your own skin.
9. Think about a program of sexual fitness that includes balanced diet, exercise, stress management and erotic creativity. Our libido is a barometer of our overall sense of wellness. Very often we see couples who aren't having sex as much as they used to. They don't experience desire and arousal regularly. Oftentimes, they're also overweight. They smoke, drink or take some kind of prescription medicine. They've stopped exercising. These factors all impact desire and libido. Sex isn't something that happens independently of everything else that's going on in your life. You have to think holistically when in terms of wellness and how to improve your sex life.
10. Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder. By studying neuroscience, Kerner has learned how the brain functions in all phases of a relationship. In the initial phase, when you're madly in love, the brain produces dopamine and neuropinephrine. These chemicals contribute to a sense of excitement and exhilaration. Once we graduate past the initial stages of first love into a more mature relationship, those chemicals start to wane. Part of the reason so many people cheat is not because they crave sex, it's because they crave the excitement, the newness and the danger that comes along with cheating. Fortunately, we know through clinical studies that couples can restimulate the chemicals by doing new things together.
11. (Bonus!) Communicate about sex. One thing many couples don't talk about is sex. They talk about other aspects of their relationship -- children, money, future plans, in-laws -- but not sex. Sexual dissatisfaction is one of the leading causes of divorce in this country. We can't deal with this statistic unless we start talking more openly about our sex lives with each other. One of the greatest things about a sex therapist is that this person gets couples comfortable with talking about their sexuality. Once you break the ice and start doing it, the floodgates open. When couples get in synch with each other, this really helps boost their desire.
To get a copy of his book, click here.
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