Didn't We Just Have a Wonderful Night?

After spending a wonderful night with a young, hot and passionate woman, Sam rolled over and pulled a cigarette from his pants. He searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand.

"There might be some matches in the top drawer."

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches sitting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man. Naturally, the guy began to worry.

"Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked.

"No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the (sex-change) operation."

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

The Tie

A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he walked toward the object, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with neckties laid out on it.

The Taliban asked, "My thirst is killing me. Do you have water?"

The Jew replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $150. This one goes very nicely with your robes."

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an overpriced tie. I need water!"

"OK," said the old Jew, "it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me. I shall show you that you have not offended me. If you walk over that hill to the east for about two hours, you will find a lovely restaurant. Go! Walk that way! The restaurant has all the water you need!"

The Taliban staggered away toward the hill and eventually disappeared. Four hours later the Taliban came crawling back to where the Jew was sitting at his table.

The Jew said, "I told you, about two hours' walk over that hill. Could you not find it?"

"I found it all right," rasped the Taliban. "Your brother won't let me in without a tie."

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Doa Nabi Yunus

Assalamualaikum wbt

Kalau berita 'lain' mudah hantar, harap yang di bawah ni pun boleh hantar kepada member-member lain juga...

JANGAN DELETE walaupun sebelum ni dah pernah terima e mail macam ni dan juga dah pernah forward pada kawan-kawan. Kerja baik buat selalu pun tidak apa. Doa Nabi Yunus semasa terperangkap di dalam perut Ikan Nun...

"LAA ILA HA ILLA ANTA SUBHANAKA INNI KUNTU MINAZ DZALIMIIN" (Surah Anbiyak)

Kirimkan kepada 10 orang, insyaallah Allah akan memecahkan segala kesulitan dan kebuntuan mu.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Rooms for Rent in Kajang

Two rooms are available for rent in a double-storey terrace house in Kajang for RM170 and RM200 each. Near bus-stop and walking distance from playground.

Suitable for single lady or newly married couple with no children, or couple with a young child below six years.

Terms:
Two months' rental as security deposit
One month rental in advance
You are also expected to contribute your share of the electricity, water and other bills

If you're interested, please respond by email to azlan088@gmail.com with your phone number. I shall then pass your number to the landlady (Sorry for the hassle but she wants me to vet all responses. Too many cranks on the Internet. Hope you understand).

Thank you.

P.S. Kindly help publicise this by re-posting at your Bulletin/Blog/Fan Club or forwarding to your friends and colleagues.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Cyberia Condo for Rent

RARE OPPORTUNITY TO RENT A CONDOMINIUM RENOVATED/FURNISHED TO MEET YOUR EXACT NEEDS & SPECIFICATIONS
OWNER WILLING TO RENOVATE/FURNISH NEWLY COMPLETED CYBERIA CONDO, CYBERJAYA (C2-3A-5) TO SUIT YOUR TASTE

Basic Details of Property:
3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, kitchen, laundry room, living and dining area, 1 car park lot, 1166 sq ft

Available for long lease to academics, professionals
furnished at RM1,800 (negotiable),
unfurnished at RM1,100.

Please download the Rental Application Form by clicking here.
Please complete the form and fax to 03-2032 1128
to make an appointment for viewing and to discuss
your renovation and furnishing requirements.

AZLAN ADNAN

CTM, MA International Business and Management
Real Estate Negotiator



Contact Details:
Handphone: 019-28-AZLAN
Handphone: 019-28-29526
Facsimile: 03-2032 1128
E-mail: azlan.aig@gmail.com

in association with:

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Table of Listings

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Ten husbands, and still a virgin?

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband 1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband 2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband 3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband 4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband 5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband 6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband 7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband 8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband 9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

Husband 10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna really get screwed!"

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

People with blood-soaked hands

The following is the text of a controversial speech by Dr Mahathir Mohamad, a former prime minister of Malaysia, at Suhakam's Human Rights Conference on September 9, 2005, which led to the walkout by a number of diplomats and made news all over the world.


I would like to thank Suhakam for this honour to address you on a subject that you have more knowledge and experience than I do.

You are concerned with human rights or hak asasi manusia. And it is
only right that as a civilised society and nation we should all be
concerned with human rights in our country and in fact in the world.

But human rights should be upheld because they can contribute to a
better quality of life. To kill 100,000 people because you suspect
that the human rights of a few have been denied seem to be a
contradiction. Yet the fanaticism of the champions of human rights
have led to more people being deprived of their rights and many their
lives than the number saved. It seems to me that we have lost our
sense of proportion.

With civilisational advances it is only right that the human community
try to distinguish itself more and more from those of the other
creatures created by God which are unable to think, to reason and to
overcome the influence of base desires and feelings. Submission to the
strong and the powerful was right in the animal world and in primitive
human societies. But the more advance the society the greater should
be the capacity to think, to recognise and evaluate between right and
wrong and to choose between these based on higher reasoning power and
not just base feelings and desires.

The world today is, in the sense of the ability to make right choices,
still very primitive. For example those who claim to be the most
civilised still believe that the misfortune which befall them as a
result of the actions by their enemies are wrong but the misfortune
that they inflict on their enemies are right. This is seen from the
concern and anger over the death of 1,700 US soldiers in Iraq but the
death of a hundred times more of Iraqis as a result of the military
invasion and occupation of Iraq and the civil war precipitated by the
imposition of democratic elections are not even mentioned.

There is no tally of Iraqi deaths but every single death of a US
soldier is reported to the world. These are soldiers who must expect
to be killed. But the Iraqis who die because of US action or the civil
war in Iraq that the US has precipitated are innocent civilians who
under the dictatorship of Saddam Hussein would be alive.

You and I read reports of the death of Iraqis with equanimity as if it
is right and just. You and I do not react with anger and horror over
this injustice, this abuse of the rights of the Iraqis to live, to be
free from terror including state initiated terror.

Prior to the invasion of Iraq on false pretences, 500,000 infants died
because sanctions deprived them of medicine and food/ Asked by the
press, Madelene Albright, then US secretary of state, whether she
thought the price was not too high for stopping Saddam Hussein's
dictatorship, she said it was difficult but the price (death of
500,000 children) was worth it.

At the time this was happening where were the people who are concerned
with human rights? Did they expose the abuses of Britain and America?
Did they protest against their own governments? No. It is because
they, the enemy, are killed. That is acceptable. But their own people
must not be killed. To kill them is to commit acts of terror.

Yet what is an act of terror. Isn't it any act that terrifies people?
Are not the people terrified at the idea of being bombed and killed?
Those who are to be killed by exploding bombs know they would have
their bodies torn from their heads and limbs. Some will die instantly
no doubt. But many would not. They would feel their limbs being torn
from their bodies, their guts spilled on the ground through their
torned abdomen. They would wait in terrible pain for help that may not
come. And they would again experience the terror, expecting the next
bomb or rocket. And those who survive would know the terror of what
would, what could happen to them personally when the bombers come
again, tomorrow, the day after, the week or month after.

They would know that they could be next to have their heads torn off
from their bodies, their limbs too. They would know that they would
die violently or they would survive in horrible pain, minus arms,
minus legs, maimed forever. And yet the bombings would go on. In Iraq
for 10 years between the Gulf War and the Iraq invasion, the people
lived in terrible fear. They were terrorised. Have they any rights?
Did the people of the world care?

The British and American bomber pilots came, unopposed, safe and cosy
in their state-of-the-art aircrafts, pressing buttons to drop bombs,
to kill and maim real people who were their targets, just targets. And
these murderers, for that is what they are, would go back to celebrate
'Mission accomplished'.

Who are the terrorists? The people below who were bombed or the
bombers? Whose rights have been snatched away?

I relate this because there are not just double standards where human
rights are concerned, there are multiple standards. Rightly we should
be concerned whether prisoners and detained foreign workers in this
country are treated well or not. We should be concerned whether
everyone can exercise his right to vote or not, whether the food given
to detainees are wholesome or not, indeed whether detention without
trial is a violation of human rights or not.

But the people whose hands are soaked in the blood of the innocents,
the blood of the Iraqis, the Afghans, the Panamanians, the
Nicaraguans, the Chileans, the Ecuadorians; the people who
assassinated the presidents of Panama, Chile, Ecuador; the people who
ignored international law and mounted military attacks, invading and
killing hundreds of Panamanian in order to arrest Noriega and to try
him not under Panamanian laws but under their own country's law, have
these people a right to question human rights in our country, to make
a list and grade the human rights record of the countries of the world
yearly, these people with blood-soaked hands.

They have not questioned the blatant abuses of human rights in
countries that are friendly to them. In fact they provide the means
for these countries to indulge in human rights abuses.

Israel is provided with weapons, helicopter gunships, bullets coated
with depleted uranium to wage war against people whose only way to
retaliate is by committing suicide bombing. The Israeli soldiers were
well-protected with body armour, operated from armoured tanks and
armoured bulldozers, to rocket and bomb the Palestinian and demolish
their houses while the occupants were still inside.

Israel has nuclear weapons but it was provided with bombers to bomb
so-called nuclear research facilities in other countries. And as with
American and British actions, the Israeli bombs and rockets tore up
the living Palestinians, Iraqis and soon Syrians and Iranians, without
the slightest consideration that the people they killed have rights,
have human rights to their lives, to security and peace.

Then there are other friends of these terrorist nations who abuse the
rights of their own people, deny them even the simplest democratic
rights, jailing and executing their people without fair trial but are
not criticised or condemned.

But when countries are not friendly with these great powers, their
governments claim they have a right to expend money to subvert the
government, to support the NGOs to overthrow the government, to ensure
only candidates willing to submit to them win. Already we are seeing
elections in which candidates wanting to stay independent being
rejected while only those ready to submit to these powers being
allowed to contest and to win.

There was a time when nations pledged not to interfere in the internal
affairs of other countries. As a result many authoritarian regimes
emerged which committed terrible atrocities. Cambodia and Pol Pot is a
case in mind. Because of the principle of non-interference in the
internal affairs of countries, two million Cambodians died horrible
deaths.

There is a case for interference. But who determines when there is a
case? Is this right to be given to a particular superpower? If so, can
we be assured the superpower would act in the best interest of the
country concerned, in order to uphold human rights.

Saddam Hussein was tried by the media and found guilty of oppressing
his people. But that was not the excuse for invading Iraq. The excuse
was that Iraq threatened the world with weapons of mass destruction
(WMD). Specifically Britain was supposed to be threatened with WMD
capable of hitting it within 45 minutes of the order being given by
Saddam.

As we all know it was a lie. Every agency tasked with verifying the
accusation that Saddam had weapons of mass destruction could not prove
it. Even the intelligence agencies of the US and Britain said that
there was no weapon of mass destruction that Saddam could threaten the
US or Britain or the world with. And today, after months of thorough
search without Saddam and his people getting in the way, no WMD has
been found.

Yet the US and UK took it upon themselves to invade Iraq in order to
remove an allegedly authoritarian government. The result of the
invasion is that many more people have been killed and injured than
Saddam was ever accused of. Worse still, the powers which are supposed
to save the Iraqi people have broken international laws on human
rights, by detaining Iraqis and others and torturing them at
Guantanamo, Abu Ghraib and elsewhere.

So can we accept that these big powers alone have a right to determine
when to interfere in the internal affairs of other countries to
protect human rights?

Malaysia is concerned about human rights within its borders. It does
not need the interference of foreign powers before it sets up Suhakam,
a body dedicated to overseeing and ensuring that there are no abuses
of human rights within its borders.

People in Malaysia seem to be quite happy. They can work and do
business and make as much money as they like. There is no restriction
on the freedom to move about, to go abroad even.

They have political parties that they are free to join, whether these
are pro-government or anti-government. They can read newspapers, which
support or oppose the government. While the local electronic media is
supportive of the government, no one is prevented from watching or
listening to foreign broadcasts which are mostly critical of the
government.

Foreign newspapers and magazines are freely available. In fact many
foreign papers, like the International Herald Tribune and Asian Wall
Street Journal are printed in Malaysia and are freely available to
Malaysians. Then there is the Internet which no one seems able to stop
even if libelous lies are screened.

Periodically, without fail there would be elections in Malaysia.
Anyone and everyone can participate in these elections. The campaigns
by both sides are vigorous and hard-hitting. And the results show
quite clearly that despite accusations against the government of
undemocratic practices, many opposition candidates would win. In fact
several states were lost to the opposition parties. Not one of the
winning opposition candidates has been charged in court and found
guilty of some minor breaches of the election procedure and prevented
from taking his seat in Parliament as happens in a certain country.

But all these notwithstanding, Malaysia is accused of having a
totalitarian government during the 22 years of my premiership. That I
had released detainees on assumption of office as prime minister and I
had used the ISA sparingly does not mitigate against the accusation
that I was a dictator, an abuser of human rights.

And not using the ISA, not detaining a person without trial would not
help either. And so when a former DPM was charged in court, defended
by nine lawyers and found guilty through due process, all that was
said was that there was a conspiracy, the court was influenced and
manipulated and the trial was a sham. So you are damned if you use the
ISA, and you are damned if you don't use the ISA.

In the eyes of these self-appointed judges of human behaviour
worldwide, you can never be right no matter what you do, if they do
not like you. If they like you, a court decision in your favour, even
on laughable grounds, would be right.

Those are the people who now seem to appropriate to themselves the
right to lay down the ground rules for human rights and who have
appointed themselves as the overseers of human rights credentials of
the world.

And now these same people have come up with what they call
globalisation. In the first place who has the right to propose and
interpret globalisation? It is certain that globalisation was not
conceived by the poor countries. It was conceived, interpreted and
initiated by the rich.

The globalised world is to be without borders. But if countries have
no borders surely the first thing that should happen is that people
would be able to move from one country to another without any
conditions, without papers and passports. The poor people in the poor
countries should be able to migrate to the rich countries where there
are jobs and opportunities.

But it has been made clear that globalisation, borderlessness are not
for people but for capital, for currency traders, for corporations,
for banks, for NGOs concerned over so-called human rights abuses, over
lack of democracy, etc. The flow is, as you can see, only in one
direction. The border crossing will be done by the rich so as to be
able to benefit their business, banks, currency traders, their NGOs,
for human rights and for democracy.

There will be no flows in the opposite direction, from the poor
countries to the rich, the flow of poor people in search of jobs, the
NGOs concerned with human rights abuses in the rich and powerful
countries where the media self-censors to promote certain parties,
where dubious voting results are validated by tame courts. There will
be no flow of coloured people to white countries. If they succeed they
would be apprehended and sent to isolated islands in the middle of the
ocean or if they manage to land, they would be accommodated behind
razor-wire fence. It is all very democratic and caring for the rights
of man.

If we care to look back, we will recognise globalisation for what it
is. It is really not a new idea at all. Globalisation of trade took
place when the ethnic Europeans found the sea passages to the West and
to the East. They wanted trade, but they came in armed merchantmen
with guns and invaded, conquered and colonised their trading partners.

If the indigenous people were weak, they would just be liquidated,
shot on sight, their land taken and new ethnic European countries set
up. Otherwise they would be made a part of empires where the sun never
sets, their resources exploited and their people treated with disdain.

The map of the world today shows the effect of globalisation, as
interpreted by the ethnic Europeans in history. There was no US,
Canada, Australia, Latin America, New Zealand until the Europeans
discovered the sea passages and started global trade.

Before the Europeans, there were Arab, Indian, Chinese and Turkic
traders. There was no conquest or colonisation when these people
sailed the seas to trade. Only when the Europeans carried out world
trade were countries invaded, human rights abused, genocide committed,
empires built and new ethnic European nations created on land
belonging to others.

These are historical facts. Would today's globalisation not result in
weak countries being colonised again, new empires created, and the
world totally hegemonised. Would today's globalisation not result in
human rights abuses?

In today's world 20 percent of the people own 80 percent of the
wealth. Almost two billion people live on one US dollar a day. They
don't have enough food or clothing or a proper roof over their heads.
In winter, many of these people would freeze to death. The people of
the powerful countries are concerned about our abuses of human rights.

But shouldn't we be concerned over the uneven distribution of wealth
which deprived two billion people of their rights to a decent living,
deprived by the avarice of those people who seem so concerned about us
and the unintended occasional lapses that has resulted in abuse of
human rights in our country.

We should condemn human rights abuses in our country but we must be
wary of the people who want to destabilise us because we are too
independent and we have largely succeeded in giving our people a good
life, and despite all the criticism, we are more democratic than most
of the friends of the powerful nations of the world.

The globalisation of concern for the poor and the oppressed is sheer
hypocrisy. If these people who appears to be concerned are faced with
the situation that we in Malaysia have to face sometimes, their
reactions and responses are much worse than us. At Guantanamo
detention camp the detainees, some of whom are not even remotely
connected with terrorism, are tortured and humiliated. At Abu Ghraib,
the most senior officers actually sanctioned the inhuman treatment of
the detainees.

When forced by world opinion to take action against those responsible
for these reprehensible acts, the culprits were either found not
guilty or given light sentences. They were tried by their own courts
under their own laws. Their victims were not represented. The
countries where the crimes were committed were denied jurisdiction.
Altogether the whole process was so much eyewash. Yet these are the
countries and the people who claim that Malaysian courts are
manipulated by the government, that abuses of rights are rampant in
Malaysia. And Malaysian NGOs, media and others lapped it up.

We must fight against abuses of human rights. We must fight for human
rights. But we must not take away the rights of others, the rights of
the majority. We must not kill them, invade and destroy their
countries in the name of human rights. Just as many wrong things are
done in the name of Islam and also other religions, worse things are
being done in the name of democracy and human rights. We must have a
proper perspective of things. Two wrongs do not make one right.
Remember the community have rights too, not just the individual or the
minority.

We have gained political independence but for many the minds are still
colonised.

To every guy...

To every guy that says I love you.
To every guy that opens doors.
To every guy that walks on the outside of a sidewalk so he can be the first to get hit by a car that careens off the road and push her out of the way.
To every guy that cooks dinner for her.
To every guy that said, "Sex can wait."
To every guy that said, "You're beautiful."
To every guy that was never too busy to drive across town to see her.
To every guy that gives flowers and a card when she is sick (and even a stuffed animal perhaps).
To every guy who has given her flowers just because she is feeling a bit depressed.
To every guy that said he would die for her.
To every guy that really would.
To every guy that did what she wanted to do.
To every guy that treated her like a princess.
To every guy that cried in front of her.
To every guy that she cried in front of.
To every guy that holds hands with her.
To every guy that kisses her with meaning.
To every guy that hugs her when she's sad.
To every guy who would give their jacket up.
To every guy that calls to make sure she got home safe.
To every guy that would sit and wait for her for hours just to be able to see her for ten minutes.
To every guy that would give his seat up.
To every guy that just wants to cuddle.
To every guy that will just sleep (no sex) with her.
To every guy that reassured her that she was beautiful no matter what (even if she got fat).
To every guy who told his secrets to her.
To every guy that tried to show how much he cared through every word and every breathe.
To every guy that thought maybe this could be the one.
To every guy that believed in her dreams.
To every guy that would have done anything so she could achieve them.
To every guy that never laughed at her when she told him her dreams.
To every guy that wasn't just trying to get laid.
To every guy that actually listened.
To every guy that gave his heart only to have it shoved back in his face.

This one's for you.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Father of one of my kids

A married man is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather sexy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He's rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says:

"Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my kids."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap," he says, "are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my butt?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher."

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

21 Pieces of Advice

ONE. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.


TWO. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.


THREE. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.


FOUR. When you say, "I love you," mean it.


FIVE. When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye.


SIX. Be engaged at least six months before you get married.


SEVEN. Believe in love at first sight.


EIGHT. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much.


NINE. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.


TEN. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name-calling.


ELEVEN. Don't judge people by their relatives!


TWELVE. Talk slowly but think quickly.


THIRTEEN. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?"


FOURTEEN. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.


FIFTEEN. Say "bless you" when you hear someone sneeze.


SIXTEEN. When you lose, don't lose the lesson


SEVENTEEN. Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and responsibility for all your actions.


EIGHTEEN. Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.


NINETEEN. When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.


TWENTY. Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice.


TWENTY-ONE. Spend some time alone.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

SINGAPORE GIRL

WHY SINGAPOREAN GIRLS CAN'T WIN THE MISS UNIVERSE TITLE

One of the main reasons why in recent years the Singapore Government has always ensured that their Miss Universe representative were of tertiary-level education was because of the following incident which occurred not too many years ago.

It is the final round of the Miss Universe Pageant and the three finalists, Miss USA, Miss Malaysia and Miss Singapore, were being asked three simple questions:

MC: The first question is name me an electrical appliance starting with "L"

Miss USA: Lamp
Miss Malaysia: Light bulb
Miss Singapore: LADIO

Judge: No, no, Radio does not start with the letter "L"

MC: I am going to give you three more chances; Now, name me an animal starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lion
Miss Malaysia: Leopard
Miss Singapore: LABBIT

Judge: No, no, no!

MC: Your next chance. The name of a famous car that starts with "L"

Miss USA: Lexus
Miss Malaysia: Lamborghini
Miss Singapore: Lolls-Loyce

Judge: Oh my God!

MC: I am going to give you one last chance! Name me a fruit starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lemon
Miss Malaysia: Lychee
Miss Singapore, with full of confidence, smiles and says:
LIEWLIAN!!

This is not the end of the story, the Judge consulted the board of judges to determine if Miss Singapore should really be disqualified; and they decided that since Miss Singapore was having so many problems with the letter "L", they decided to give her another chance.

Judge: OK, the final question is: Name me a part of the human anatomy starting with the letter "L"

Miss USA: Lung (applause)
Miss Malaysia: Liver (even more applause)
Miss Singapore: LAN CIAU

The Judges fainted!

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

CONTENTMENT

Have you ever, at any one time, had the feeling that life is bad, real bad, and you wish you were in another situation? You find life makes things difficult for you, work sucks, life sucks, everything seems to go wrong. Read the following story. It may change your views about life...

After a conversation with one of my friends, he told me despite taking two jobs, he brings back barely above $1,000 per month, he is happy as he is.

I wonder how he can be as happy as he is considering he has to skimp his life with the low pay to support a pair of old parents, in-laws, a wife, 2 daughters and the many bills of a household.

He explained that it was through one incident that he saw in India... that happened a few years ago when he was really feeling low and touring India after a major setback.

He said that right in front of his very eyes he saw an Indian mother chop off her child's right hand with a chopper. The helplessness in the mother's eyes, the scream of pain from the innocent 4-year-old child haunted him until today.

You may ask why did the mother do so; had the child been naughty, had the child's hand been infected? No, it was done for two simple words - TO BEG! The desperate mother deliberately caused the child to be handicapped so that the child could go out to the streets to beg.

Taken aback by the scene, he dropped a piece of bread he was eating half-way. And almost instantly, a flock of 5 or 6 children swamped towards this small piece of bread which was covered with sand, robbing bits from one another. The natural reaction of hunger.

Stricken by the happenings, he instructed his guide to drive him to the nearest bakery. He arrived at two bakeries and bought every single loaf of bread he found in the bakeries. The owner was dumbfounded but willingly sold everything. He spent less than $100 to obtain about 400 loaves of bread (this is less than $0.25 per loaf) and spent another $100 to get daily necessities.

Off he went in the truck full of bread into the streets. As he distributed the bread and necessities to the children (mostly handicapped) and a few adults, he received cheers and bows from these unfortunate. For the first time in his life he wondered how people can give up their dignity for a loaf of bread which cost less than $0.25.

He began to tell himself how fortunate he is. How fortunate he is to be able to have a complete body, have a job, have a family, have the chance to complain what food is nice and what isn't nice, have the chance to be clothed, have the many things that these people in front of him are deprived of...

Now I begin to think and feel it, too! Was my life really that bad? Perhaps... no, I should not feel bad at all... What about you? Maybe the next time you think you are, think about the child who lost one hand to beg on the streets.

"Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realization of how much you already have."

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often times we look so long at the closed door that we don't see the one which has been opened for us.

It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that! we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

The brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past, you can't go on well in life until you let go of your past failures and heartaches.

DAH LAMBAT SEBULAN!!

Sepasang pengantin yang baru berkahwin 4 bulan. Pada suatu malam si isteri memeluk leher suami dengan nada manja seraya berkata, "Sayang, period i dah lewat sebulan, tapi i tak boleh nak pastikan lagi sebab kita kena gi check kat doktor."

Si suami yang teramat gembira tu pun berpakat dengan isterinya untuk tidak memberitahu sesiapa pun tentang perkhabaran gembira sehingga ianya benar-benar pasti. Pada suatu hari, rumah pasangan ini didatangi oleh pegawai dari TNB kerana terdapat tunggakkan dalam pembayaran bill elektrik rumah mereka.

Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata, "Ini rumah En. Mahpus ker?"

"Saya ni isterinya... ada apa encik?"

Pegawai TNB tu pun berkata, "Puan, ni dah sebulan lewat, saya tak boleh tunggu ni, nanti boss saya marah."

Dengan nada terkejut, si isteri itu pun membalas balik cakap pegawai TNB tu, "APA??? Macam mana pulak encik tahu yang saya ni sebulan lewat???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun dengan selamba menjawab, "Ala puan, ni kan zaman IT, semua tu ada dalam komputer dan kita boleh check Online."

Kata-kata pegawai TNB itu membuatkan si isteri tu lagi terkejut, "APAAA???? Saya lewat sebulan pun awak semua boleh tahuuu???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun mententeramkan keadaan, "Relek puan, puan ni baru lewat sebulan, ada yang lagi teruk, lewat 5-6 bulan..."

Si isteri yang terperanjat beruk dengan kenyataan pegawai tu pun berkata, "Nanti saya bincang dengan suami saya..." Lalu pegawai TNB tu pun beredar dari situ..

Keesokkan harinya, selepas si Mahphus ini diberitahu oleh isterinya, dia pun naik berang dan terus ambik cuti dan pergi ke kedai TNB yang berdekatan. Dengan tanpa menghiraukan pegawai-pegawai TNB yang ramai di situ, dia pun memekik seraya berkata: "Apa korang ni, isteri saya sebulan lewat pun nak heboh heboh ke dalam internet. Awak ni semua berkeluarga tak pernah lewat sebulan kerrrr????!! bisness apa korang buat niii?? nak kena saman kerr???"

Lalu pegawai yang datang kerumah si Mahpus ni berdiri dan mententeramkan keadaan. "Sabar encik, sabar encik. apa susah, kalau nak settlekan perkara ni, bayar je laa... kata-kata pegawai TNB tu membuatkan si Mahpus naik berang."

"APAAA?? nak bayar korang? belahhhh lahh..."

Lalu pegawai TNB tu pun cakap, "Kalau macam tu... Kita terpaksa potong encik punya..."

Si Mahpus mencelah: "Apa??? potong??? Abih tu isteri saya di rumah nak pakai apaaaaaa???"

Pegawai TNB tu pun cakap: "Nampak gayanye... ISTERI ENCIK KENA PAKAI LILIN AJERRR LAAAAAAAA..."

Carry 4

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:
Maggi Mee.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:
Traffic Jam.

NATIONAL CONDOM:
None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms. So they rushed into a 7-Eleven, hurriedly grab the nearest pack, any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION:
Pineapple

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:
Stout. Many swear by it. But after a few pints they start swearing at everything...
Actually, Tongkat Ali is now fast becoming the National Aphrodisiac drink.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):
Food Poisoning.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN):
Menstrual Pain - betul la... with Migraine as a close second.

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, early appointment, food not digested yet, aircond not cold enough, aircond too cold, nail polish not dry yet, forgot to take the pill, sleepy, stomach cramps, period, haven't removed make-up, haven't shower, no water supply, going to watch "Santa Barbara," depressed, no mood, etc...

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:
None. Malaysian men never refuse sex.

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:
Panadol. The "cure for all". If it fails we have another secret weapon: Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:
Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):
The sight of a police road block.

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:
Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME:
Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4! On second thoughts, why bother pronouncing stupid French brands like Peugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better when the local mechanics say "Pew Jeot". When I was in school, Milo was always 'Mee Lo', now that I'm sophisticated, I say "My Lo". So don't be embarassed saying "Carry 4" when the Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounce orang utan as "orangutang".

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy; a man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes


HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer
3. Hand over the remote.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Keeper

Author Unknown

I grew up in the 1940s and 50s with practical parents. A mother, God love her, who washed aluminum foil after she cooked in it, then reused it. She was the original recycle queen, before they had a Name for it... A father who was happier getting old shoes fixed than buying new ones.

Their marriage was good, their dreams focused. Their best friends lived barely a wave away. I can see them now, Dad in trousers, tee shirt and a hat and Mom in a housedress, lawn mower in one hand, and dish-towel in the other. It was the time for fixing things. A curtain rod, the kitchen radio, screen door, the oven door, the hem in a dress are things we keep.

It was a way of life, and sometimes it made me crazy. All that re-fixing, eating, renewing, I wanted just once to be wasteful. Waste meant affluence. Throwing things away meant you knew there'd always be more.

But then my mother died, and on that clear summer's night, in the warmth of the hospital room, I was struck with the pain of learning that sometimes there isn't any more.

Sometimes, what we care about most gets all used up and goes away... never to return. So... while we have it... it's best we love it... and care for it... and fix it when it's broken... and heal it when it's sick.

This is true. For marriage... and old cars… and children with bad report cards... and dogs with bad hips... and aging parents... and grandparents. We keep them because they are worth it, because we are worth it. Some things we keep. Like a best friend that moved away or a classmate we grew up with.

There are just some things that make life important, like people we know who are special... and so, we keep them close!

I received this from someone who thinks I am a 'keeper', so I've sent it to the people I think of in the same way… Now it's your turn to send this to those people that are "keepers" in your life.

Good friends are like stars... You don't always see them, but you know they are always there. Keep them close!

TEN THINGS GOD WON'T ASK ON THAT DAY.

1... God won't ask what kind of car you drove. He'll ask how many people you drove who didn't have transportation.

2... God won't ask the square footage of your house. He'll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.

3... God won't ask about the clothes you had in your closet. He'll ask how many you helped to clothe.

4... God won't ask what your highest salary was. He'll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.

5... God won't ask what your job title was. He'll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.

6... God won't ask how many friends you had. He'll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.

7... God won't ask in what neighbourhood you lived. He'll ask how you treated your neighbours.

8... God won't ask about the colour of your skin, He'll ask about the content of your character.

9... God won't ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation. He'll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.

10... God won't have to ask how many people you forwarded this to. He already knows your decision.

On Motivation

"There is one quality that one must possess to win, and that is definiteness of purpose, the knowledge of what one wants, and a burning desire to possess it." ~ Napoleon Hill

Don't hesitate, just say it!

There was a boy who I liked. He liked me, too. Well, that's what I was told... but one day I was walking to class and I heard someone call out my name and when I turned around he was there...

"Wait up!" he called.

I waited for a few seconds and let him catch up then once he did I started walking again.

"You need something?" I asked.

"Yea... a favour," he said.

"Sure what is it?" I asked.

"Go out with me," he said with a gleam in his eyes.

"OK... sure," I said, secretly jumping with joy in my mind.

He walked me to class and kissed me good bye... then the late bell rang and he sprung down the hall to get to class. He walked me to class every day and kissed me every day and he was with me every chance he got. Then days turned into weeks and weeks turned into months and months turned into a year and he still ran to catch up with me. It was the day of our one year anniversary and he walked me to class gave me a box and a kiss... then he whispered into my ear... "I love you."

Then he left. I opened the gift and it was a ring... a gorgeous ring. That night we were out at dinner to celebrate and all he surprised me... AGAIN...

"You know how I said that I loved you?" he asked.

"Yeah?" I got really nervous....

"I really do, you know. I love you."

I didn't say anything and I knew he wanted me to say it but I didn't want to seem stupid so I stuffed food in my mouth and he didn't say anything but I could tell he was disappointed. We got done eating and he was driving me home at the red light he turned and looked at me...

"Why won't you say you love me? Don't you love me like I love you?" he asked,

I didn't know what to say. I loved him more than I could imagine, but I just didn't know how or when to say it...

"I...I...lov...."

BOOM!!!!!!!!!! a truck had hit the driver's side and rammed us right into a lake.The next day I was in the hospital and all I could think about was if he was ok... so I got out of my bed and searched for him... but when I found him he was barely alive... seeing the one I loved near death made me drop to my knees and cry...

"I love you... I've loved you since the first day we met. I love you soooo much. Don't you leave me, please. Don't leave me, I need you here... I LOVE YOU!!!!"

With his very last breath he said...

"I love you too." Then he was gone.

A week later I was able to go home but I wasn't ready to face school yet and my mom understood. I went up to my room and I found a note inside the ring box...

"I hope you like this ring. It was my grandma's. She told me to give it to the one I love and, well, I love you. No matter what happens to me I will always love you. If I died today, I want to die knowing you love me... I won't leave this earth without knowing you love me. You're always in my heart forever until the day I die.

P.S. I love you now... I will love you forever."

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

forget about the mosquitoes

and death from malaria or dengue fever
be more concerned about typhoid, dysentry and pneumonia
there's no potable water, no sanitation, no food in Louisiana
it's a recipe for disaster
of the tallest order


Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Circle of Friends

Since its my birthday today, I want to share with you, my circle of friends, a few edifying words of wisdom:

Many people will walk in and out of your life,
But only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head;
To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it is his fault;
If he betrays you twice, it is your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas;
Average minds discuss events;
Small minds discuss people.

He who loses money, loses much;
He who loses a friend, loses much more;
He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are accidents of nature,
But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others.
You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

Friends, you and me...
You brought another friend...
And then there were three...

We started our group...
Our circle of friends...
And like that circle...
There is no beginning or end...

Yesterday is history.
Tomorrow is mystery.
Today is a gift.
That is why it is called the Present.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Tomorrow

If we might have a second chance
To live the days once more,
And rectify mistakes we've made
To even up the score.
If we might have a second chance
to use the knowledge gained,
Perhaps we might become at last
As fine as Allah ordained.
But though we can't retrace our steps,
However stands the score,
Tomorrow brings another chance
For us to try once more.

One Flaw In Women

By the time the Lord made woman, He was into his sixth day of working overtime...

An angel appeared and asked, "Why are you spending so much time on this one?"

And the Lord answered, "Have you seen my spec sheet on her? She has to be completely washable, but not plastic, have over 200 movable parts, all replaceable and able to run on Diet Coke and leftovers, have a lap that can hold four children at one time, have a kiss that can cure anything from a scraped knee to a broken heart and she will do everything with only two hands."

The angel was astounded at the requirements. "Only two hands? No way! And that's just on the standard model? That's too much work for one day. Wait until tomorrow to finish."

"But I won't," the Lord protested. "I am so close to finishing this creation that is so close to my own heart. She already heals herself when she is sick AND can work 18 hour days."

The angel moved closer and touched the woman. "But you have made her so soft, Lord."

"She is soft," the Lord agreed, "but I have also made her tough. You have no idea what she can endure or accomplish."

"Will she be able to think?" asked the angel.

The Lord replied, "Not only will she be able to think, she will be able to reason and negotiate."

The angel then noticed something, and reaching out, touched the woman's cheek. "Oops, it looks like you have a leak in this model. I told you that you were trying to put too much into this one."

"That's not a leak," the Lord corrected, "that's a tear!"

"What's the tear for?" the angel asked.

The Lord said, "The tear is her way of expressing her joy, her sorrow, her pain, her disappointment, her love, her loneliness, her grief and her pride."

The angel was impressed. "You are a genius, Lord. You thought of everything! Woman is truly amazing."

And she is!
Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens, but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have vital things to say and everything to give.

HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN, IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

Politicians

Four surgeons are discussing who makes the best kind of patient to operate on.

The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

The second surgeon responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is colour coded."

The third surgeon says, "No, I really think librarians are the best; Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

But the fourth surgeon shut them all up when he observed: "You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There are no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable."

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice

A tomato story

A jobless man applied for the position of office boy at Microsoft. The HR manager interviewed him then watched him cleaning the floor as a test.

"You are employed," he said. "Give me your e-mail address and I'll send you the application to fill in, as well as date when you may start."

The man replied "But I don't have a computer, neither an email."

"I'm sorry," said the HR manager. "If you don't have an email, that means you do not exist. And who doesn't exist, cannot have the job."

The man left with no hope at all. He did''t know what to do, with only $10 in his pocket. He then decided to go to the supermarket and buy a 10 kg tomato crate. He then sold the tomatoes in a door-to-door round. In less than two hours, he succeeded to double his capital. He repeated the operation three times, and returned home with $60.

The man realized that he can survive by this way, and started to go everyday earlier, and return late. Thus, his money doubled or tripled every day. Shortly, he bought a cart, then a truck, and then he had his own fleet of delivery vehicles.

Five years later, the man is one of the biggest food retailers in the US. He started to plan his family's future, and decided to have a life insurance policy. He called an insurance agent, and chose a protection plan. When the conversation was concluded the nsurance agent asked him for his email.

The man replied, "I don't have an email."

The insurance agent answered curiously, "You don't have an email, and yet have succeeded to build an empire. Can you imagine what you could have been if you had an e mail?"

The man thought for a while and replied, "Yes, I'd be an office boy at Microsoft!"

Moral of the story

1) Internet is not the solution to your life.
2) If you don't have internet, and work hard, you can be a millionaire.
3) If you received this message by email, you are closer to being an office boy/girl, than a millionaire... Have a great day!!!

P.S. Do not forward this email back to me, I am closing my email & going to sell tomatoes!!!

Copyright 2003-2005 Azlan Adnan Legal Notice