By Terry Rich Hartley, PhD
Like it or not, we are all gladiators. We go to sleep and wake up in a social arena from which there is no escape. Challenges cascade upon us, walls restrain us, and a mob of spectators jeers or cheers us. Each day brings new battles whether we want them or not. Life forces us to face one skirmish after another - no choice in the matter.
What we can choose, though, is which kind of gladiator to be, victor or victim. Being a victim in this social arena translates into having bad relationships. Most people are victims - victims of their own perceptions.
That's because people don't develop and listen to their own unique, authentic self. Rather they allow their mental spectators - those little tyrants rattling around in their heads - to tell them second by second how to fight their battles, what they can and cannot do.
These mental spectators are the memories of the judgments of real-life people. It's the memory of your aunt saying, "I hope you marry someone rich, because you're not going far on brains." It's the echo of your father or coach growling, "You've got a back problem - no spine."
And their influence over your relationships can't be overestimated.
Millions of people accept the judgments of their mental spectators as the truth and, therefore, the mediocre results that come from believing those judgments. With so many people living this way, the question becomes, is this the way I have to live? Fortunately, the answer is not unless you want to.
Once you identify your mental spectators - and your interactions with them - you can move beyond victim and assume the role of victor. What it takes are eight steps for getting command, steps you can apply to most any situation you want altered. You can positively influence your relationships, your employment options, any aspect of your life.
Let's look at the steps.
Ask, what's my problem? Am I a jealous weasel, troubled that others have what I want? Am I ticked off most of the time? Am I sad and whiney? Anxiety ridden? Moody? All of the above?
Ask, how are my problems affecting my life? Am I a lousy parent, a friendless dork, a backstabber, a drunk, a junkie? Am I none of the above, but someone who is less than I could be?
Ask, from where are my problems coming? Who are my real and my mental spectators? What do my mental spectators look like, say, and do? Exactly who or what is keeping me from taking command of my life?
Ask, how am I contributing to my problems? What is my responsibility in all this? Did I decide to be a garbage disposal? Do I treat myself as a friend or an enemy? Do I allow my mental spectators to drive me to distraction, depression, anger, anxiety?
Ask, what do I specifically want to do about my problems? Do I want to be a doormat, a drunk, a friendless geek? Or do I want to rule my mental spectators? Do I want to stand up to a spectator, real or imagined, who puts me down? Do I want to take command of my education, my bank account, my relationships?
Ask, what are my options, and in what order should I place them? What is the first option I should concentrate on? The next one and the next? If you have a soul-sucking hangover most mornings, you might opt to give up your booze buddies for some real friends.. If, instead, you're a workaholic and you want to spend more time with your kids, then DO IT.
Ask, how do I rule my real and my mental spectators? Must I collapse in a heap when they point thumbs down? How can I learn to take charge on every level? There is no "magic" involved, but you might feel as if there is. Unlike a vanquished gladiator falling at the whim of spectators, you decide your own course.
Ask, what more can I do to master my relationships by strengthening my perceptions? How do I take command right now in developing my own identification and self-worth? Congratulations! You're working on the one person in the entire world you can work on - YOU! And any improvements in yourself can't help but enrich your relationships and the world around you.
Although this is only a brief overview of each of the eight steps for jump-starting your relationships and taking control of your life you'd be amazed at how significant the effects of a few minor adjustments in perception can be.
About the Author
Dr Hartley is a social psychologist, a scientist, and the author of Tyrants of Self-Concept: Ruling the Rulers, a 125-page ebook that thoroughly describes the eight steps for improving your relationships, taking control of your life, and living the life you want to live. It includes easy-to-relate-to stories, examples, humor, and concrete, practical worksheets and exercises that get results fast. To learn more about how you can apply the steps, click here: www.rulingtherulers.com
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