HUMOUR: Sexist Jokes

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

"I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, Julia, when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows," said the man.

"We went to look for it, when I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball-stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

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A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"

"Oh, mama," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."

Suddenly she burst out crying.

"But, mama, as soon as we returned, Matt started using the most horrible language... things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful four-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home... Please mama!"

"Julia, Julia," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What four-letter words?"

"Please don't make me tell you, mama," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"

"Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset...Tell your mother these horrible four-letter words!"

Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, mama..words like DUST, WASH, IRON, COOK..!"

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A very wealthy man is dating three women and wants to decide which to marry. He decides to give them a Test. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what each does with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, undergone plastic surgeries, new makeup and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much. The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much. Again, the man was impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much. Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money, and then he...

..married the one with the biggest tits. Men are Men!

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A man enters his favorite restaurant and, while sitting at his regular table, he notices a gorgeous woman, Julia, sitting at a table nearby, all alone.

He calls the waiter over and asks for their most expensive bottle of Merlot to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it, she is his. The waiter gets the bottle and quickly sends it over to the girl, saying this is from the gentleman.

She looks at the wine and decides to send a note back. The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants."

The man, after reading this note, sends one back to her.

She reads the note: "Just so you know - I happen to have a Rolls, Ferrari, and a Mercedes in my garage; plus I have over two million dollars in the bank; but, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut three inches off in my pants!"