A lesson to learn before you speak

In ancient Greece, scholar and intellectual, Dr. Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about one of your friend?"

"Hold on a minute," Dr. Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."

"Triple filter?" asked the man.

"That's right," Dr. Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the triple filter test. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and wanted to tell it to you."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?"

"No, on the contrary, it is bad."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. There's one filter left: the filter of usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really," replied the man.

"Well," concluded Dr. Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true, nor good, and nor even useful to me, why tell it to me at all ."

A Passing Thought:
An arrow which has left the bow!; and killed an innocent soul, and a spoken-word which has come out of your mouth and hurt someone's heart, both can never be recalled.

So before you speak, please use the triple filter.

On Flirting!

I'm a Cute Flirt!



What Kind of FLIRT are you?
brought to you by Quizilla




8 secrets to flirt effectively
By Dee Anne Stiles of match.com

You can see it in the alluring light of his eyes. You can feel it in her radiating smile. It's more than the mere conversation of two people meeting. It's the body's electric love signals most commonly referred to as flirting.

Flirting is dating's green light communication cue that says to the other person, "I really like you. I'm attracted to you. You hit my hot button. Let's boogie on down the dating path."

Whether on computer screens or with in-person meetings, flirting is the heart's playground to attract the right love matches. Here are eight secrets to the art of flirting:

1. Captivate with your eyes
Get and keep eye contact with the other person. Do more than just the regular eye-to-eye connection we have when talking with someone. Really look and gaze at them with captivating eyes that sexily say, "Please come closer. You're special. Let's get to know each other."

2. Smile magnetically
A big, sexy smile radiates confidence and draws people magnetically to you. It puts your flirtee at ease and safely invites him or her to talk with you. A magnetic smile is the honey of flirting that draws the bees — friends and beaus to your growing social circle.

3. Invite open conversation
There's nothing like a warm, genuine invitation to talk openly. The secret to talk flirting is to show total interest, genuine listening, back and forth flowing communication and a light-hearted, almost whimsical tone. Guys, ask how she feels about anything important in her life. Gals, have him tell you the story of his success in anything.

4. Sincerely compliment
Compliments are the sweet talk of flirting. The secrets to compliment flirting are: Be sincere, enthusiastic, and personal. If the situation warrants, guys you can tell her how beautiful she is — inside and out — and gallantly kiss her hand. Gals, compliment him on anything that has to do with jobs, sports, and physical/sexual prowess.

5. Use body language
Most communication is non-verbal body language. Here are some of flirting's secret body moves: The simple touch, leaning in toward the other person, tilting your head with interest, winking, sensuously sipping your straw or licking your lips, being in-sync with the other person's moves, and teasingly twirling things like straws, pens, even hair.

6. Ooze with interest
Act as if he or she were the most important person in your world and nothing else matters at the moment. Ooze with the allure of your undivided attention, fascination, and interest in just them. "There is nothing sexier or more complimentary than someone who flirts entranced with me and thinks I hung the moon." said Mark, a chemical engineer in Houston.

7. Get your wit going
Relax, remember a confidence building smash hit date, flip on your crazy switch, and get into your "fun and witty groove. " Open up and tell a joke or share a funny story. Keep it in good taste. Start a clever banter and teasing back and forth. Let the power of attraction inspire your wit and personality to open up, charm, laugh and have that magical fun of flirting.

8. Glow with excitement
They say the chemistry sparks may fly when two well-matched people meet, especially when they turn out to be soul mates. "When we're flirting, there's just a special glow that radiates from your smile, your eyes and your whole aura. It's as if you almost glow red with the hot rush of flirting." said Sherrie, a decorator in Miami.

The real secret to mastering the art of flirting is to find that special attraction and have fun pouring out the magnetism, heart and charm. Begin to connect with someone today online and see what happens!


Quiz: Rate your flirting form
By Elizabeth Traglia of match.com

Find out whether you're diving into the dating pool as a perfect 10, or just doing a cannonball.

When a cute stranger steps on your foot in a crowded bar, you:
• Say, "Watch it!" (Score = -1)
• Writhe in pain (Score = 4)
• Apologize (Score = 1)
• Crack a joke (Score = 3)
• Start a conversation (Score = 2)

When you meet someone you'd like to get to know better, how do you proceed?
• You pitch it as an invite to a group get-together with friends (Score = 1)
• You go direct. Something like, "I'd love to get together with you sometime." (Score = 2)
• You use an excuse: "We both like Bond - I know where Goldfinger is playing." (Score = 3)
• You give the person your number before being asked (Score = 4)
• You wait and let them ask for your number (Score = -1)

Your screen name most closely matches which category:
• Practical — maybe related to your name or city (Score = 1)
• A good conversation-starter — a hobby, nickname (Score = 2)
• A play on words that gets people laughing or thinking (Score = 3)
• Something sexy (Score = 4)
• Related to the car you drive, or to your job title (Score = -1)

At an office happy hour, you lock eyes with someone standing solo at the bar. Your move?
• Ditch your cocktail and ask them for advice on what you should order (Score = 2)
• Keep an eye peeled for an hour, to be sure they're not someone's date (Score = 1)
• Send over a margarita from across the bar (Score = 4)
• Nada. No flirting at work parties (Score = -1)
• Ask them to save you from your work party for a moment, and offer to buy that drink (Score = 3)

The best way to make someone sit up and notice you:
• Making intense eye contact (Score = 4)
• Telling a hilarious story (Score = 3)
• Acting disinterested (Score = -1)
• Being non-threatening and friendly (Score = 1)
• Asking a lot of questions and casually touching (Score = 2)

If you scored:

Less than 0
If flirting is an Olympic sport, you're going for the... wait, what's below bronze? Aluminum? When you're around a love interest, you become introverted. The problem: It gives the impression you're unhappy and disinterested — even when you may really like someone. An easy fix? Ask questions. Everyone loves talking about themselves, plus when you tune in to the answers it shows you're a great listener.

1-6
OK, time to dash an old flirting myth — when you treat someone as "just a friend," it backfires. They end up thinking of you as just a friend. Unless you commit to clear flirting signals — such as the casual arm touch, or smiling while making eye contact — your flirting form may flop. So make your interest clear, instead of leaving them wondering if you like them in that way.

7-14
Your flirting form is like that perfect martini — a great balance of style and smoothness. Your twist? Your natural curiosity about people leaves them feeling like they made a real connection. How's that for a perfect 10?

15-20
When you turn on the charm, stand back — you give it your all. The problem? Sometimes your aggressive moves may label you as a player, someone who couldn't possibly be looking for a real relationship. Slowing down to make a legitimate connection with someone would boost your success ratio in a big way.


Ways To Deal With A Flirt

Some women don't know what they want. One minute they're hot, the next they're cold. When it comes to relationships, there are no guarantees. It's a woman's right to change her mind ...and to flirt and to torture and to tease and to tease and to tease...

So if you ever find yourself stuck in the same room with a women who will only let you get so close, remember the following bits of friendly advise. They could make the chase more interesting:

-----------------
Call her Bluff
-----------------
If the girl you're interested in seems like a tease, point it out to her. Say something like, "So, does everyone tell you you're a big flirt?" Again, the key to success is doing this in the most unassuming way possible and with a smile on your face, like you're too smart for her games. It'll disarm her. And remember to call her a flirt, not a tease. Most women will find the former cute and the latter offensive.

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Know the Enemy
----------------------
Start doing what she's doing. After all, two can play that game. She might actually find the whole thing amusing. If she does, you may get the girl after all.

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Ignore Her
--------------
Don't take the bait by aggressively pursuing her. It'll just give her more reason to carry on. Ignoring a tease will sometimes make her more interested in you.

--------------------
Keep Your Cool
--------------------
Don't get your hopes up. Don't assume you're going to break a tease of her bad habits. You probably won't. Enjoy yourself, but don't expect much and you won't get disappointed.

If all else fails, and it may, start hitting on her friend. A tease occasionally needs a taste of her own medicine. It's a little vengeful, but so what? Maybe her friend will prove the better catch.

Impress her family:
7 dos and don'ts to make her family like you
By Margot Carmichael Lester

Going home for the holidays can be stressful enough. But going to her home to meet her parents? Yikes! Can you manage to steer clear of taboo topics? Can you avoid offending anyone? Will her family dig you?

"My first holiday dinner with my new girlfriend was a doozie," recalls C.D., 45, of Denver. "It was a formal affair, and she wore a strapless dress with cleavage moderately exposed. At dinner, her knife slipped from her hand and fell to the floor. We both leaned down to retrieve the fork, as one of her breasts popped out of her gown. To redirect her family's attention, I immediately stood up and said, 'Look at the magnificent view.' As the family turned, I noticed there were two dogs engaged in carnal activities in the yard. Oops. You could hear the whip cream collapsing on the pie it was so quiet."

After gathering herself together, C.D.'s girlfriend explained C.D.'s attempt to preserve her dignity. "The family began roar with laughter. Needless to say, the tension was broken, I was exonerated by the family, and from that moment I realized that I should really look before I speak, especially in the yard."

We asked other brave souls — and the women and families who love them — for dos and don'ts to help you win her family over. Here's what they had to say:

1. Be yourself
"If you try to put on some kind of act, you'll come off as forced and uncomfortable," notes John, 38, of Raleigh, N.C. "Dress like you are going on a date to a conservative place and just enjoy yourself. In the past I have gotten to be such good friends with my date's parents that I would continue to talk to them after I stopped seeing their daughter. Sometimes way after."

2. Gush over children and pets
If you don't like animals, feign an allergy. If you don't like kids, suck it up for a few days. "People love people who love their pets and children," says Jen, 32, of San Diego. "If you don't, it could spell trouble with a family like mine that's full of dogs and grandchildren."

3. Male bonding
People love to talk about themselves and rarely does anyone listen. Plus, you might pick up some good information on your sweetie. "I like to spend lots of time with the dad or brothers," says Sean, 30, of Eagle Rock, Calif. "But I don't say too much to him because dads like guys who listen."

4. Mind your manners
A little courtesy goes a long way. "I was so impressed by the way Teresa behaved when we first met her," says Sue's mom, Miriam, of Indianapolis. "She arrived exactly on time, brought a pie even though we told her she didn't need to and helped with the clean-up after dinner. She's a keeper!"

5. Use your mojo
Women love flattery — even moms. If mom likes you, you are in forever. "Moms like attention from their daughters' boyfriends," notes Zeff, 40, of Chicago. "But flirty lightly; if you lay it on too thick, it'll bring you nothing but woe!"

6. Be philosophical
You can't please all of the people all of the time, so focus on being the best you possible. "I may have been class president, but I know not everyone likes me," says Anne, 28, of Atlanta. "Not having that unrealistic expectation keeps the stress level way down. And the more relaxed I am, the better I perform."

7. Practice moderation
"Limit yourself to two drinks total — no one wants to be remembered as so- and-so's drunk date," counsels David, 40, of Washington, D.C. "This will also help you avoid discussing sensitive subjects or getting wooed into dicey situations that can lead to disagreements."

Source: http://www.match.com

On the road to the East Coast

Monday, December 15, 2003
I'm leaving for the East Coast with Emry tomorrow morning, after an unavoidable delay. Our route, the same one we took a few weeks before Ramadan, will take us east along the Karak Highway until Karak, whereupon we turn off the Highway and head north.

After passing through Bentong, Raub and Kuala Lipis, its a straight drive to Gua Musang. From there, its a dash to Kota Baru, passing Kuala Krai and Machang. Hopefully, we'll arrive in KB before nightfall.

After a night or two in Kota Baru, we'll take the old coastal road south to Kuala Trengganu where, again, we may spend a night or two. From Kuala Trengganu we continue south along the old coastal road to Kuantan, where, again, we'll stay a night or two.

At each town, Emry has to visit his customers, hand-delivering quotations, invoices or collecting cheques so we're not quite certain how long we'll be staying at each. We'll be at each town for however long he takes to get the job done. I have an appointment in KL on Saturday evening which I'm keen not to miss, plus a concert recital lunchtime Sunday.

From Kuantan, its a drive home to Kuala Lumpur via Termerloh and Mentakab, transversing the Malay Peninsular at its widest.

Tuesday, December 16, 2003
I am impressed by how clean the Bentong District Hospital is--there are rubbish recepticles everywhere--even the public toilets are to be praised. The car park is beautifully landscaped with shade trees which harbour nesting starlings chirping happily.

Intrigued, though, by a sign with a photograph of two kittens which says "DILARANG MEMBUANG KUCHING DI KAWASAN HOSPITAL"--IT IS FORBIDDEN TO ABANDON CATS WITHIN THE HOSPITAL COMPOUND. I'm sure the sign is there for a reason; and that's a sad reflection on the local community. Another sign forbids smoking--Smokers will be fined $5,000 or face 2 years in jail.

Emry was feeling hungry so we stopped at Kedai Nasi Ayam Azri--Azri Chicken Rice Restaurant--in Kuala Lipis at 2.45 pm for him to have a late lunch. I wasn't hungry so I just used the toilet facilities, which was reasonably clean although the toilet didn't flush. A hole in the floor and a tap with a bucket and pail beneath it. Another 300 km to Kota Baru.

We did a combined prayer--jamak--for asar and zohor at a surau next to the Shell Petrol Station in Gua Musang, which literally means "Fox Cave." Evocative name for a place name. The surau appears to be a commercial venture--although you can pray for free, they'll charge you 50 cents if you need to have a shower. Gua Musang is our first stop in the state of Kelantan and Kelantanese entrepreneurship hits us in the face! Felt very restful and relaxed afterwards. Glad we stopped here. We also took on some petrol--$33 for 24 litres. 185 km to Kota Baru.

From 160 km to 102 km before Kota Baru, until we crossed a bridge in the District of South Kuala Krian, the road was crap with lots of shallow potholes. Night fell at 7 pm as we reached Kuala Krian, where traffic got a lot heavier and also a light drizzle fell upon us.

Dinner was a feast at Betty's Cafe about 500 m from the UiTM Machang campus. We had steamed rice together with Kerabu Belut (eel salad), Thai roast beef salad, an omelette, chicken with ginger and red Tom Yam soup. The eel itself was nothing to shout about--hard bones and not particularly tasty but the bunga kantan (a type of ginger flower) and the daun limau perut (kaffir lime leaves) in the salad made it taste really, really good. Betty's Cafe is an excellent place to bring a date, with its cosy attap-covered cabanas nestled between banyan (Ficus variegatus) trees giving a romantic atmosphere. Unfortunately, the single toilet didn't flush and stank a bit. You know you're in rural Malaysia when the toilet is a hole in the floor and it doesn't flush. And you get a tap with a bucket and a pail. Don't grimace!

Breakfast at the Crystal Lodge in Jalan Che Su in Kota Baru is the usual hotel spread with a choice of Malaysian dishes (nasi minyak, sambal ayam, dalca) and Western fare (toast, strawberry jam and real butter--not Flora, scrambled eggs and baked beans). I'm not one for a big breakfast, so its just two slices of toast with jam for me. Didn't even go for the tea or coffee provided. Just some air sirap bandung.

Wednesday, December 17, 2003
I had seen them before in Kota Baru, but never really noticed these well-coiffeured and made-up ladies sitting on stools at a street corner outside the finance company. Their tools of trade appear to be a calculator and a handphone. They were pawn brokers, accepting gold jewelry for cash. It's an unlikely scene, but Kelantan is full of surprises. You bump into the prettiest girls on the street--if it weren't for their petite stature, these Kelantanese maidens wouldn’t look out of place on the cover of Vogue or Cosmopolitan but never Playboy or Penthouse for Kelantan is a fundamentalist State where strict religious up-bringing is the norm. It's strictly a see, but no touch society.

In the late afternoon, we headed south from Kota Baru towards, our destination for the day, Kuala Trengganu. The road was narrow and for the most part, congested. It was slow going. Along the way, we saw enterprising street hawkers selling lemang (glutenuous rice mixed with coconut milk and cooked in bamboo stems) by the roadside, their fare looking like miniature cannons. There were also signs advertising other local delicacies, such as keropok losong (fish sausages), duck curry and sop gearbox special. I have no idea what the latter (special gearbox soup) was, but it sounded intriguing enough for me to want to try it. Unfortunately, it was still too early for dinner and these places had not opened.

About 75 km from Kuala Trengganu, we turned left towards Penarik to enjoy the coastal road which runs parallel to the white sandy beaches for which Trengganu is well-known. As we had done on our previous trip, we stopped at the next village along, at Kampung Bukit Chalok, where the beach was simply beautiful, with swaying palms and a cool brisk breeze was beating waves against the shore. At the warong or food stall by the beach diagonally opposite the Caltex Petrol Station, we ate two large fried sotong (squid) garnished with kerisik (fried scraped coconut flesh). It was sweet and delicious--but not quite as sweet as the lovely young lady who served us--Sanisah has two dimples that enhances her smile and compliments her dusky--from a lifetime by the sea--complexion beautifully.

Sanisah Mokhtar holds a degree in Microbiology from UPM and is finishing up her masters in Aquaculture from KUSTM. She's doing her dissertation on the breeding of the marbled goby (ikan hantu), a freshwater fish, which at $40 to $50 a kg, is highly regarded as a delicacy. Her mother owns the warong and Sanisah helps her mom out whenever time permits.

I feel very proud of Malaysians like Sanisah, coming from a humble fishing community background and studying hard. Knowledge not only empowers her; but also helps improve the socio-economic condition of her family and rural community. But at the same time, her knowledge has not gone to her head, she has not forgotten the importance of helping her mother at the warong, serving customers with her ever-so-charming smile and speaking proper English that is a little incongruent in a fishing village. When she finishes her masters, I'm sure she'll come back to her fishing village, helping her fellow villagers earn a steady income through breeding marbled gobies, even in the monsoon season, when it's too rough for the fishing boats to go out to sea. At 24, Sanisah's still single and, as soon as she completes her masters, will be seeking…

Thursday, December 18, 2003
Breakfast at the Yen Tim Midtown Hotel in Kuala Trengganu was a bit of a disappointment; certainly, there was less of a choice than at the Crystal Lodge in Kota Baru. There was nasi lemak with sambal, ikan bilis, peanuts and hard-boiled eggs. The rest were nothing special, nothing worth writing about, in any case.

The Internet Cafe was conveniently across the road from the Yen Tim Midtown Hotel but at $3 an hour, it's $1 more than the Internet Cafe in Kota Baru.

We were on the road again by 3 pm. The car park of the Kemaman District Hospital is in the blazing sun, with the half-grown green palms giving no shade to speak of. I doubt the green palms would have given any decent shade, even when fully grown. The public toilets at the hospital are reasonably clean--no stink and the flush works. However, its users are a bit ngok, preferring to throw their waste paper towels on the floor rather than the waste bins provided.

I was saddened to note that although it was 4 pm, the privatized canteen--run by Lie's Catering--was already closed. I could have done with some teh tarik and bubur kacang. Ah, well. But Emry consoled me--he knew of an excellent seafood restaurant in Balok (near Kuantan) called Mido Restoran that would satisfy my gourmet taste buds.

Stopped at a batik shop in Rantau Abang. I needed a long-sleeved batik shirt to wear on formal occasions as I don't have one or a baju Melayu either, for that matter. I asked for something my size in the cheapest material, preferably cotton. Unfortunately, nothing in cotton in my size, but there was a beautiful turquoise shirt in polyester for $65. I told the owner's husband that I was a poor student and he reduced the price to $50 just for me, provided I don't tell anyone.

Also got two pieces of hand-drawn batik for some lady friends. One had specifically requested a pastel piece and so I got her one in pastel shades of pink, yellow and orange. The other was mostly bright green for a dear young lady. She needs a bright colour to compliment her dusky complexion and that was just the right shade to do the job. (Later, when I told Maria I got her a piece of hand-drawn batik in green, she was delighted as green is her favourite colour.)

The proprietor soon joined us and she told me that she also owned the 8 chalets next door. She implored us to stay at her place the next time we dropped by. Rates start at $27 a night.

Later, at Marang, we passed warungs with signs that advertised sata or satar, which Emry described as a kind of otak-otak only found in this area. Apparently, it is sweeter than regular otak-otak and contained more kerisik and less fish. By the time I made up my mind to try some, there were no more warungs selling it. Just my luck, I suppose.

There is a stretch of road in Trengganu, before one crossed the border into Pahang that one can find roadside stalls selling nira. Nira is a fascinating drink. Mildly alcoholic, it is derived from the beaten flower of the coconut palm. One climbs the coconut palm, beats the flower to a pulp and places a container beneath it to collect the sweet sap that drips from the mashed flowers. Nira tastes of sugar-cane water. Because of the time taken (usually about three days) for sufficient sweet sap to collect in the container, it has fermented and is mildly alcoholic. Not as alcoholic as toddy, which is a decidedly disgusting concoction, but enough to give a mild buzz to its taste. I drank 500 ml with no apparent loss of my senses.

The mak ciks (little old ladies) who sell nira by the roadside also sell homemade vinegar made from nira and the sap of the nipah palm. The one derived from the nipah sap is pretty decent, but the one made from nira smells of strong toddy more than anything else.

Unfortunately, when we arrived in Balok at 4.30 pm, Mido Restoran was closed; the time being too late for lunch and too early for dinner. We both hadn't had lunch yet and our tummies were growling, so we stopped at the first decent-looking place. The only thing they served was nasi ayam (chicken rice). It didn't tickle my fancy but Emry went for it. It was a food court kind of a place with various hawkers supposed to be selling food and the landlord selling drinks. There was a sign advertising Yong Tau Foo but they'll only start selling their stuff in three days, I was informed. Fat lot of good that was. I settled for some toast with kaya (coconut jam) as well as some teh tarik.

Just as we had settled the bill and were about to leave another of the hawkers arrived. She sold nasi lemak, nasi minyak, and nasi dagang. The last item caught my fancy and I had a plate--for only $1.50. It was delicious, as tasty as the nasi dagang my mom makes. Nasi dagang is rice mixed with pulut (glutenous rice) and halba and served with a mild ikan tongkol (tuna) curry and pickles (mostly cucumber but also juliennes of carrot and sliced onions). It was delicious, and the best thing you could eat for $1.50 anywhere on the East Coast.

The Citiview Kuantan is the first hotel on this trip to have a proper bath-tub--the rest just had showers. It felt luxurious to soak away my aches and pains in the bath. Unfortunately, the water was merely warm and although I did my best, it wouldn't go beyond 30°C. Better than nothing, I suppose.

Friday, December 19, 2003
The toilet at the Petronas station in Jalan Teluk Sisek, opposite the Vistana Hotel in Kuantan, is by far the filthiest I had come across in the East Coast. It had no water, was dirty, and stinks to high heaven. The water closet and urinal both didn't flush. A peep into the ladies revealed that it was not much better.

Opposite the Citreon dealership along main road in Temerloh is an unassuming food court. One of the stalls, run by Mrs Heng for the past 18 years, sells the best grilled fish I have tasted in Malaysia, save Sabah. The fishes available are ikan pari (skate), ikan sebelah (sole), ikan kembong (mackerel), siakap (sea perch) and kerapu (garoupa). Tiger prawns and sotong (calamari) are also available. Mrs Heng dips the fresh fish into a marinade which is made from freshly ground red chilis and kunyit (a type of ginger) mixed with some rice flour. After thoroughly soaking the fish in the dip, she places it on a hotplate that has been covered with a layer of banana leaves and generously drizzled with cooking oil. Mrs Heng tells me that the secret of her cooking technique is to not cover the fish (except for the skate) or prawns at all. The calamari are covered for a few minutes only. Covering the fish, she tells me, would trap the steam and allow the fish to cook faster. However, this steams the fish, and it loses it crispy texture and grilled taste. (See my review of the Portuguese Ikan Bar of November 30, 2003. )

While its cooking, the fish is not smothered with sambal. In fact, nothing is added except for cooking oil. The fish is served with two condiments, a sambal belacan made from red chilis, belacan, vinegar and lime juice; and an air asam made from lime juice, tamarind juice, sugar, salt, bawang merah (shallots) and chili padi. The sole costs $10, the small skate $6 and the smallest serving of tiger prawns would set you back another $15. While not exactly the most disgusting toilet on the East Coast, the less said about their toilet, the better.

Mrs Heng informed me that her husband runs a similar grilled fish stall near the Maybank office 10 km away in Mentakab.

Death is not an event in life: we do not live to experience death. If we take eternity to mean not infinite temporal duration but timelessness, then eternal life belongs to those who live in the present.

Ludwig Wittgenstein

Friendship, like all relationships, develops on the basis of shared experiences. But sharing does not mean abdicating one's own interests, or exchanging them for your partner's.

Azlan Adnan

It is said that love is blind
but friendship is clairvoyant.

Falling for You
contributed by Melissa, a song by Weezer

Holy cow! I think I've got one here
Now just what am I s'posed to do?
I've got a number of irrational fears
That I'd like to share with you
First, there's rules about old goats like me
Hangin' 'round with chicks like you -but I do like you-
And another one: you say "like" too much

But I'm shakin' at your touch
I like you way too much
My baby, I'm afraid I'm falling for you
'n I'd do 'bout anything to get the hell out alive
Or maybe I would rather settle down with you

Holy moly, baby, wouldn't you know it?
Just as I was bustin' loose
I gotta go turn in my rock star card and get fat
and old with you
'cuz I'm a burning a candle you're a gentle moth
teaching me to lick a little bit kinder
And I do like you - you're the lucky one
No! I'm the lucky one
Holy Sweet goddamn! You left your cello in the basement
I admired the glowing the stars and tried to play a tune'
I can't believe how bad I suck, it's true
What could you possibly see in little ol' 3-chord me?
But it's true - you like me, I like you too
I'm ready, let's do it baby

13 torrid kissing techniques
by Sara Kinnarney, Match.com

Every summer we awaken senses that had lain dormant during the cooler months. The smell of suntan lotion, the feel of warm wet sand oozing between our toes, the sound of crickets and the sight of a warm breeze billowing a sheer summer dress. Sun-kissed bodies look sexier, and the kisses are oh-so-much sweeter.

No doubt about it: Mother Nature is eliciting some powerful aphrodisiacs, which is why summer is a great time to practice some red-hot kissing techniques.

"Torrid kissing is the #1 thing that keeps motors running," says Lou Paget (www.loupaget.com), author of How to Be a Great Lover, How to Give Her Absolute Pleasure and The Big O. Orgasms: How To Have Them, Give Them and Keep Them.

"What torrid kissing shows is that the person is interested in you and turned on by you. Could there be any bigger aphrodisiac than that? Plus kissing well sends a message that you do other things well?"

Here are some of Paget's hottest kissing strategies.

Tread lightly. Your lips are one of the softest parts of your body, so start kissing with light, gentle motions.

The kiss can become firmer as your temperatures rise. Have a cup of hot tea before you start smooching. Warming up your mouth will make it even more inviting.

Suck his lower lip into your mouth, running the tip of your tongue along the outside of the lip. Then run it straight down from the middle lip to the chin. "Men have been known to almost loose their knees with this," says Paget, who explains that there is an energy meridian that flows from the lower lip southward.

Don't restrict yourself to the mouth. Instead go for unexpected places, like the insides of elbows or knees. "Babies explore the entire world with their mouth," says Paget. "Why wouldn't we as adults? Any spot that is not regularly exposed to sunshine is typically going to be more sensitive."

Avoid the tongue-in-ear move. This might excite some men, but Paget says that for most women, "it feels like putting your head in a dishwasher."

Alternate upper and lower lips to give each the attention it deserves.

If his kiss is feeling more like a tongue-wrestling match, then stop, look him in the eye and tell him how much you love kissing. Then say, "God, I'd love to know how it feels to be kissed by me." Kiss him the way you want to be kissed and pray that he can follow suit.

Practice the gentle art of non-verbal communication. Put your hands at the back of the neck and cradle the back of your partner's head. This will enable you to pull yourself in more, make her more comfortable, and offer gentle directions. A hand on the cheek also sends a warm, loving message while enhancing communication.

Breathe deeply. Small noises and deep breathes will give your lover lots of great positive feedback and will actually enhance your pleasure. "Oxygen is the ultimate catalyst--whether you're talking about fire or physical chemistry," says Paget.

Don't turn your mouth into a suction cup. Paget says that many men forget how much bigger their mouths are than women's. "So the guy will envelop his date's mouth, which will cause the woman to pull back," she says.

Arch your back. "When someone is kissing you, they want to know that they are doing it in a way that turns you on. If a woman arches her body into a man, that lets him know," says Paget.

Next time, make it a tangerine kiss. Remember the flavored lip gloss you used to wear in the 7th grade--the kind that came in ginger ale, watermelon and bubble gum? Well, they're still around and there's no reason that your current boyfriend can't enjoy the sweet taste of nectarine on your lips the same way your Sadie Hawkins date did. "It's so fun, especially if you have a whole little wardrobe of flavors and you can ask him to guess what they are," says Paget, who recommends flavors that come in light shades, like orange or vanilla. Leave the chocolate-fudge ripple to your eight-year-old niece.

Suck your lover's upper lip. Then gentle place your tongue underneath the upper lip so that your tongue is between his teeth and upper lip. (Your tongue will be in a reversed-L shape, like you are touching your nose.) Gently run your tongue left to right so that he feels the soft underside of your tongue. "It's not a big motion," says Paget. "The big ones are not the ones that drive us crazy--it's the little ones."

You can't pass up an opportunity to try out what you've learned! Put them to practical use and make somebody very happy!

Note: More on this topic at Kissing Techniques

LET ME BE THE BANDAGE FOR YOUR BLEEDING
contributed by Michelle Anne Paigey

Let me be the bandage for your bleeding;
Let me be the ocean for your tears.
Let me be the secret of your healing;
Let me be the song to still your fears.

Love isn't love that cannot love in darkness,
Nor is it love that turns away from pain;
Nor would I love would I not hold your sadness
And with my love your love of life sustain.

So do not think your malady a burden,
And do not think my willingness deceit.
Just let your sorrow flow into my garden,
And I will share with you the harvest sweet.

ON AFFECTION

Alexander Solzhenitsyn on Affection:
"One should never direct people towards happiness, because happiness too is an idol of the market-place. One should direct them towards mutual affection. A beast gnawing at its prey can be happy too, but only human beings can feel affection for each other, and this is the highest achievement they can aspire to."

Enid Bagnold on Affection:
"It's not till sex has died out between a man and a woman that they can really love. And now I mean affection. Now I mean to be fond of (as one is fond of oneself)--to hope, to be disappointed, to live inside the other heart. When I look back on the pain of sex, the love like a wild fox so ready to bite, the antagonism that sits like a twin beside love, and contrast it with affection, so deeply unrepeatable, of two people who have lived a life together (and of whom one must die) it's the affection I find richer. It's that I would have again. Not all those doubtful rainbow colours."

Friendship
by Cheryl Izatty


If a kiss were a raindrop I'd send you showers.
If hugs were a second I'd send you hours.
If smiles were water I'd send you the sea.
If friendship were a person I'd send you me!

On Friendship & Love
Friendship is a disinterested commerce between equals;
love, an abject intercourse between tyrants and slaves.

~ Oliver Goldsmith ~

CYNICAL LOVE POEMS

These are entries to a competition asking for a rhyme
with the most romantic first line but least romantic second line:


Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
but I only slept with you, because I was pissed

I thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother

Roses are red, violets are blue,
sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot
This describes everything you're not

I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off your face

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes--
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life

I see your face when I am dreaming
That's why I always wake up screaming

My love, you take my breath away
What have you stepped in, to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell
Except for maybe "go to hell"

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime

I Guess it's Nothing but a Serious Case of Jealousy

I got a rude and nasty hate-mail today from a guy who, I guess, is jealous of all the wonderful Friends I have--you!

I suppose he, too, wishes he has all of you as his Friends.

I'm not going to bother to reply to his msg. After all, his intense jealousy is a vindication of how successful we've been in establishing friendships with each other--a back-handed compliment, if you will.

No need to lower myself to his level and tell you who he is, even. Don't even have to caution you not to befriend him. After all, all of you are intelligent enough to know a jerk when you see one. That's one of the reasons we're such good Friends. And I suppose he's so jealous because all of you are so drop-dead gorgeous, in addition to being so damn smart. I think this is the bit that really "gets" him.

We can play into his hands and get upset and make a mountain out of a molehill. Or, we can simply ignore him and carry on our friendship as usual. I know that will make him even more jealous. But, hey, that's his problem, yeah?

warm regards
Azlan

Source: Posted at my myspace.com Bulletin today.

Portuguese Ikan Bakar
The Food Court, Mid-Valley Mega Mall

Went there tonight with my friend Emry. Its just at the entrance, first stall on the left. We had ikan bawal (pomfret) and sotong (calamari) mixed. If you want different types--there are ikan bawal, ikan kembong (mackerel), ikan pari (skate), udang (prawns) and sotong--don't go for mixed. Order separate dishes. We had about 3 pieces of sotong. For vegetables, they have bendir (okra), kacang botol (four-angled bean) and kacang panjang (long beans).

The fish is heated on a hot plate in a package of sambal layered with banana leaf and wrapped in tin foil. This means two things:

1) Firstly, because a hotplate and not a proper grill or barbacue is used, the fish is not grilled.

2) And more importantly, because everything is wrapped in the tin foil, its contents is steamed, and the fish is cooked by this steaming process.

While I have tasted better grilled fish elsewhere, this Portuguese "grilled" fish is quite tasty, the sambal being its sole redeeming feature. Despite being steamed on a hotplate, the ikan bawal we ate tasted pretty okay, much better than I had expected, with the piquant sambal saving the day: not merely hot, it's also sweet, sour and tasty.

Verdict: 3/5

My Age

I prefer to befriend young ladies in their late teens or twenties. Some young ladies on the Internet have a problem with that and a few have even sent me email calling me a "Dirty Old Man" and "You are Ancient."

It's just a preference, as in, if I had a choice. Just like I also prefer to befriend intelligent (IQ >130), attractive (top 5% world class beauties), articulate (we can communicate in English without translation services), sincere and caring young ladies.

Other men may have other preferences. That's their choice. Who are we to criticize theirs?

There are, evidently, young ladies who prefer not to befriend men my age. That is fine. It's their choice. But, really, it's not necessary to be rude or practise name-calling. Don't you think so?

Besides, I look and behave a lot younger than I am. Almost everyone is surprised to learn my age. They think I am 30 or 32. It's in my genes. When people meet my mother (who is almost 70), they assume she's my sister. She certainly looks like she could be.

I could lie about my age and be done with it. Then my age may not be an issue with these ladies, but I'd rather not. I'd rather they get to know me and appreciate me for what I am. Many do and the issue of my age is totally irrelevant. We have common interests (poetry, writing, photography, whatever) and we enjoy sharing our work or pursuing these activities together.

Like I said, my age doesn't even come into the picture.

Many of you may very well ask why do I prefer young ladies? Well, for a start, women my age are mostly already married. Besides, women my age, especially when they look it, are embarrassed to be seen with me--an ostensibly "younger" man. They'd much prefer the company of an older man, or at least one who looks older than they do.

For God's sake, is it really too much to ask for a friendship where we could have some good clean fun pursuing common interests? With someone young and pretty, vivacious and carefree? Someone intelligent enough to cross swords with, but that not being the sole basis of our friendship? Someone adorable to look at? With a face as in the Malay saying "pandang tak jemu?" Is that really too much to ask for?

so what's up with u lately?

for Julie Anna, with affection


nothing special,
same as usual,
missing u like crazy,
what else, Julie?

u're no longer an option
in my life, Julie.
u're a priority.
Am i 1 in urs 2?

tell me
tell me
tell me
quickly

My Immortal
by Emma
with the cryptic message:
GOOD BYE WORLD. THE "MY IMMORTAL" I SENT JUST NOW, ITS MY FINALE TO Y'ALL. U'D NEVER CATCH ME HERE AGAIN. NEVER. LIFE'S SO FULL OF HATRED…

I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase

When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears
I held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me

You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along

Source: Emma's Blog

Never Forget
by Izyan Syafinaz

dedicated to Jasmine Jane John,
my amazingsoul angel who's a joy to look at ~
a balm for the heart, uplifting the spirit
and food for the soul

Your presence is a gift to the world,
You're unique and one-of-a-kind;
Your life can be what you want it to be,
Just take it one day at a time.

Count your blessings, not your troubles,
And you'll make it through what comes along;
Within you are so many answers,
Understand, have courage, be strong.

Don't put limits on yourself,
Your dreams are waiting to be realized;
Don't leave your important decisions to chance,
Reach for your peak, your goal, and your prize.

Nothing wastes more energy than worrying,
The longer a problem is carried, the heavier it gets;
Don't take things too seriously,
Live a life of serenity, not a life of regrets.

Remember that a little love goes a long way,
Remember that a lot goes on forever;
Remember that a relationship is a wise investment,
Life's treasures are people, together.

Have faith, health and happiness,
Take the time to wish upon a star;
And don't ever forget, for even a day
How very special YOU are!

GEORGE KELLY & ALTERNATIVE CONSTRUCTIVISM

Especially dedicated to my psychologist friends, Caitlin, Carla-Maria, Chloe, Michelle Anne Paigey and Nina Muslim.

George Kelly
George Kelly was teaching physiological psychology at Fort Hays Kansas State College in 1931, at the time of the dust bowl and the depression. Recognizing the pains and sorrows of the farming families of the area, he decided to develop a rural clinical service. This was hardly a money-making operation as many of his clients had no money. Some couldn't come to him, and so he and his students would travel, sometimes for hours, to them.

At first, Kelly used standard Freudian techniques. He had these folks lie down on a couch, free associate, and tell him their dreams. When he saw resistances or symbols of sexual and aggressive needs, he would patiently convey his impressions to them. He was surprised by how readily these relatively unsophisticated people took to these explanations of their problems. Surely, given their culture, the standard Freudian interpretations should seem terribly bizarre? Apparently, they placed their faith in him, the professional.

Kelly himself, however, found these standard Freudian explanations a bit far-fetched, and inappropriate to the lives of Kansan farm families. So, as time went by, he noticed that his interpretations were becoming increasingly unorthodox. In fact, he began "making up" explanations! His clients listened as carefully as before, believed in him as much as ever, and improved at the same slow but steady pace.

It began to occur to him that what truly mattered to these people was that they had an explanation of their difficulties, that they had a way of understanding them. What mattered was that the "chaos" of their lives developed some order. And he discovered that, while just about any order and understanding that came from an authority was accepted gladly, order and understanding that came out of their own lives, their own culture, was even better.

Out of these insights, Kelly developed his theory and philosophy. He called the philosophy constructive alternativism. Constructive alternativism is the idea that, while there is only one true reality, reality is always experienced from one or another perspective, or alternative construction. I have a construction, you have one, a person on the other side of the planet has one, someone living long ago had one, a primitive person has one, a modern scientist has one, every child has one, even someone who is seriously mentally ill has one.

Some constructions are better than others. Yet no-one's construction is ever complete--the world is just too complicated, too big, for anyone to have the perfect perspective. And no-one's perspective is ever to be completely ignored. Each perspective is, in fact, a perspective on the ultimate reality, and has some value to that person in that time and place.

In fact, Kelly says, there are an infinite number of alternative constructions one may take towards the world, and if ours is not doing a very good job, we can take another!

Kelly's Theory
Kelly's theory begins with what he called his "fruitful metaphor." He had noticed long before that scientists, and therapists, often displayed a peculiar attitude towards people: While they thought quite well of themselves, they tended to look down on their subjects or clients. While they saw themselves as engaged in the fine arts of reason and empiricism, they tended to see ordinary people as the victims of their sexual energies or conditioning histories. But Kelly, with his experience with Kansan students and farm people, noted that these ordinary people, too, were engaged in science; they, too, were trying to understand what was going on.

So people--ordinary people--are scientists, too. The have constructions of their reality, like scientists have theories. They have anticipations or expectations, like scientists have hypotheses. They engage in behaviors that test those expectations, like scientists do experiments. They improve their understandings of reality on the bases of their experiences, like scientists adjust their theories to fit the facts. From this metaphor comes Kelly's entire theory.

The fundamental postulate
Kelly organized his theory into a fundamental postulate and 11 corollaries. His fundamental postulate says this:

"A person's processes are psychologically channelized by the ways in which he anticipates events."

(This and all subsequent quotations are from Kelly's 1955 The Psychology of Personal Constructs.)

This is the central movement in the scientific process: from hypothesis to experiment or observation, i.e. from anticipation to experience and behavior.

By processes, Kelly means your experiences, thoughts, feelings, behaviors, and whatever might be left over. All these things are determined, not just by the reality out there, but by your efforts to anticipate the world, other people, and yourself, from moment to moment as well as day-to-day and year-to-year.

So, when I look out of my window to find the source of some high-pitched noises, I don't just see exactly and completely what is out there. I see that which is in keeping with my expectations. I am ready for birds, perhaps, or children laughing and playing. I am not prepared for a bulldozer that operates with a squeal rather than the usual rumbling, or for a flying saucer landing in my yard. If a UFO were in fact the source of the high-pitched noises, I would not truly perceive it at first. I'd perceive something. I'd be confused and frightened. I'd try to figure out what I'm looking at. I'd engage in all sorts of behaviors to help me figure it out, or to get me away from the source of my anxiety! Only after a bit would I be able to find the right anticipation, the right hypothesis: "Oh my God, it's a UFO!"

If, of course, UFO's were a commonplace occurrence in my world, upon hearing high-pitched noises I would anticipate birds, kids, or a UFO, an anticipation that could then be quickly refined with a glance out of the window.

The 11 corollaries are:
1. The construction corollary
2. The experience corollary
3. The dichotomy corollary
4. The organization corollary
5. The range corollary
6. The modulation corollary
7. The choice corollary
8. The individuality corollary
9. The commonality corollary
10. The fragmentation corollary
11. The sociality corollary

Feelings
The theory so far presented may sound very cognitive, with all its emphasis on constructs and constructions, and many people have said so as their primary criticism of Kelly's theory. In fact, Kelly disliked being called a cognitive theorist. He felt that his "professional constructs" included the more traditional ideas of perception, behavior, and emotion, as well as cognition. So to say he doesn't talk about emotions, for example, is to miss the point altogether.

What you and I would call emotions (or affect, or feelings) Kelly called constructs of transition, because they refer to the experiences we have when we move from one way of looking at the world or ourselves to another.

When you are suddenly aware that your constructs aren't functioning well, you feel anxiety. You are (as Kelly said) "caught with your constructs down." It can be anything from your chequebook not balancing, to forgetting someone's name during introductions, to an unexpected hallucinogenic trip, to forgetting your own name. When anticipations fail, you feel anxiety. If you've taken a social psychology course, you might recognize the concept as being very similar to cognitive dissonance.

When the anxiety involves anticipations of great changes coming to your core constructs—the ones of greatest importance to you—it becomes threat. For example, you are not feeling well. You think it might be something serious. You go to the doctor. He looks. He shakes his head. He looks again. He gets solemn. He calls in a colleague... This is "threat." We also feel it when we graduate, get married, become parents for the first time, when roller coasters leave the track, and during therapy.

When you do things that are not in keeping with your core constructs--with your idea of who you are and how you should behave--you feel guilt. This is a novel and useful definition of guilt, because it includes situations that people know to be guilt-ridden and yet don't meet the usual criterion of being in some way immoral. If your child falls into a manhole, it may not be your fault, but you will feel guilty, because it violates your belief that it is your duty as a parent to prevent accidents like this. Similarly, children often feel guilty when a parent gets sick, or when parents divorce. And when a criminal does something out of character, something the rest of the world might consider good, he feels guilty about it!

We have talked a lot about adapting to the world when our constructs don't match up with reality, but there is another way: You can try to make reality match up with your constructs. Kelly calls this aggression. It includes aggression proper: If someone insults my tie, I can punch his lights out, in which case I can wear my tie in peace. But it also includes things we might today prefer to call assertiveness: Sometimes things are not as they should be, and we should change them to fit our ideals. Without assertiveness, there would be no social progress!

Again, when our core constructs are on the line, aggression may become hostility. Hostility is a matter of insisting that your constructs are valid, despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Examples might include an elderly boxer still claiming to be "the greatest," a nerd who truly believes he's a Don Juan, or a person in therapy who desperately resists acknowledging that there even is a problem.

Psychopathology and Therapy
This brings us nicely to Kelly's definition of a psychological disorder:

"Any personal construction which is used repeatedly in spite of consistent invalidation."

The behaviors and thoughts of neurosis, depression, paranoia, schizophrenia, etc., are all examples. So are patterns of violence, bigotry, criminality, greed, addiction, and so on. The person can no longer anticipate well, yet can't seem to learn new ways of relating to the world. He or she is loaded with anxiety and hostility, is unhappy and is making everyone else unhappy, too.

If a person's problem is poor construction, then the solution should be reconstruction, a term Kelly was tempted to use for his style of therapy. Psychotherapy involves getting the client to reconstrue, to see things in a different way, from a new perspective, one that allows the choices that lead to elaboration.

Kellian therapists essentially ask their clients to join them in a series of experiments concerning the clients' life styles. They may ask their clients to loosen their constructs, to slip them around, to test them, to tighten them up again, to "try them on for size." The intent is to encourage movement, essential for any progress.

Kelly, with his background in drama, liked to use role-playing (or enactment) to encourage movement. He might take the part of your mother and have you express your feelings. After a while, he might ask you to reverse roles with him—you be your mother, and he'll be you! In this way, you become aware of your own construction of your relationship and your mother's construction. Perhaps you will begin to understand her, or see ways in which you might adapt. You may come to a compromise, or discover an entirely new perspective that rises above both.

Kelly's therapy often involves home-work, things he would ask you to do outside the therapy situation. His best-known technique is called fixed-role therapy. First, he asks you for a description of yourself, a couple of pages in the third person, which he calls the character sketch. Then he constructs, perhaps with the help of a colleague, another description, called the fixed-role sketch, of a pretend person.

He writes this sketch by examining your original sketch carefully and using constructs that are "at right angles" to the constructs you used. This means that the new constructs are independent of the original ones, but they are used in a similar way, that is, they refer to the same range of elements.

If, for example, I use genius-idiot as a construct in dealing with people, I don't give them a lot of room to be somewhere in between, and I don't allow much for change. And, since we use the same constructs on ourselves as we use for others, I don't give myself much slack either. On a really good day, I might call myself a genius. On most days, I'd have no choice, if I used such a dramatic construct, but to call myself an idiot. And idiots stay idiots; they don't turn into geniuses. So, I'd be setting myself up for depression, not to mention for a life with very few friends.

Kelly might write a fixed-role sketch with a construct like skilled-unskilled. This is a much more "humane" construct than genius-idiot. It is much less judgmental: A person can, after all, be skilled in one area, yet unskilled in another. And it allows for change: If I find that I am unskilled in some area of importance, I can, with a little effort, become skilled.

Anyway, Kelly would then ask his client to be the person described in the fixed-role sketch for a week or two. Mind you, this is a full time commitment: He wants you to be this person 24 hours a day, at work, at home, even when you're alone. Kelly found that most people are quite good at this, and even enjoy it. After all, this person is usually much healthier than they are!

Should the client come back and say "Thank you, doc! I believe I'm cured. All I need to do now is be "Dave" instead of "George" for the rest of my life," Kelly would have a surprise in store: He might ask that person to play another fixed-role for a couple of weeks, one that might not be so positive. That's because the intent of this play-acting is not that the therapist give you a new personality. That would quickly come to nothing. The idea is to show you that you do, in fact, have the power to change, to "choose yourself."

Kellian therapy has, as its goal, opening people up to alternatives, helping them to discover their freedom, allowing them to live up to their potentials. For this reason, and many others, Kelly fits most appropriately among the humanistic psychologists.

Assessment
Perhaps the thing most associated with George Kelly is his role construct repertory test, which most people now call the rep grid. Not a test in the traditional sense at all, it is a diagnostic, self-discovery, and research tool that has actually become more famous than the rest of his theory.

First, the client names a set of ten to twenty people, called elements, likely to be of some importance to the person's life. In therapy, these people are named in response to certain suggestive categories, such as "past lover" and "someone you pity," and would naturally include yourself, your mother and father, and so on.

The therapist or researcher then picks out three of these at a time, and asks you to tell him or her which of the three are similar, and which one is different. And he asks you to give him something to call the similarity and the difference. The similarity label is called the similarity pole, and the difference one is called the contrast pole, and together they make up one of the constructs you use in social relations. If, for example, you say that you and your present lover are both nervous people, but your former lover was very calm, then nervous is the similarity pole and calm the contrast pole of the construct nervous-calm.

You continue in this fashion, with different combinations of three, until you get about twenty contrasts listed. By eyeballing the list, or by performing certain statistical operations on a completed chart, the list might be narrowed down to ten or so contrasts by eliminating overlaps: Often, our constructs , even though they have different words attached to them, are used in the same way. Nervous-calm, for example, may be used exactly like you use neurotic-healthy or jittery-passive.

In diagnosis and self-discovery uses, you are, of course, encouraged to use constructs that refer to people's behaviors and personalities. But in research uses, you may be asked to give any kind of constructs at all, and you may be asked to give them in response to all sorts of elements. In industrial psychology, for example, people have been asked to compare and contrast various products (for marketing analyses), good and bad examples of a product (for quality control analyses), or different leadership styles. You can find your musical style constructs this way, or your constructs about political figures, or the constructs you use to understand personality theories.

In therapy, the rep grid gives the therapist and the client a picture of the client's view of reality that can be discussed and worked with. In marriage therapy, two people can work on the grid with the same set of elements, and their constructs compared and discussed. It isn't sacred: The rep grid is rare among "tests" in that the client is invited to change his or her mind about it at any time. Neither is it assumed to be a complete picture of a person's mental state. It is what it is: a diagnostic tool.

In research, we can take advantage of a number of computer programs that allow for a "measurement" of the distances between constructs or between elements. We get a picture, created by the people themselves, of their world-views. We can compare the views of several people (as long as they use the same elements). We can compare a person's world-view before and after training, or therapy. It is an exciting tool, an unusual combination of the subjective and objective side of personality research.

Discussion
Kelly published The Psychology of Personal Constructs in 1955. After a brief flurry of interest (and considerable criticism), he and his theory were pretty much forgotten, except by a few loyal students, most of whom were involved more in their clinical practices than in the advancement of the psychology of personality. Curiously, his theory continued to have a modest notoriety in England, particularly among industrial psychologists.

The reasons for this lack of attention are not hard to fathom: The "science" branch of psychology was at that time still rather mired in a behaviorist approach to psychology that had little patience with the subjective side of things; And the clinical side of psychology found people like Carl Rogers much easier to follow. Kelly was a good 20 years ahead of his time. Only recently, with the so-called "cognitive revolution," are people really ready to understand him.

It is ironic that George Kelly, always true to his philosophy of constructive alternativism, felt that, if his theory were still around in ten or twenty years, in a form significantly like the original, there would be cause for concern. Theories, like our individual views of reality, should change, not remain static.

There are legitimate criticisms. First, although Kelly is a very good writer, he chose to reinvent psychology from the ground up, introducing a new set of terms and a new set of metaphors and images. And he went out of his way to avoid being associated with other approaches to the field. This inevitably alienated him from the mainstream.

In a more positive vein, some of the words he invented are now firmly fixed in mainstream psychology (although many still think of them as "trendy!"): Anticipation has been made popular by the famous cognitive psychologist Ulric Neisser; Construct, construction, construal, and all its variations can be found in books and articles right alongside of words like perception and behavior. Sadly, Kelly, just like other innovators, seldom gets any credit for his innovations, mostly because psychologists are rarely trained to pay much attention to where ideas come from.

The "rep grid" has also become quite popular, especially since computers have made it much easier to use. As I mentioned before, it is a nice blend of the qualitative and the introspective that even critics of Kelly's overall theory have a hard time finding fault with.

Connections
Much of Personal Construct Theory is phenomenological. Kelly acknowledged his sympathies with the phenomenological theories of Carl Rogers, Donald Snygg and Arthur Combs, and the "self-theorists" Prescott Lecky and Victor Raimy. But he was skeptical of phenomenology per se. Like so many people, he assumed that phenomenology was some kind of introspective idealism. As we shall see in later chapters, that is a mistaken assumption.

But a phenomenologist would find much of Kelly's theory quite congenial. For example, Kelly believes that to understand behavior you need to understand how the person construes reality—i.e. how he or she understands it, perceives it—more than what that reality truly is. In fact, he points out that everyone's view—even the hard-core scientist's—is just that: a view. And yet he also notes, emphatically, that there is no danger here of solipsism (the idea that the world is only my idea), because the view has to be of something. This is exactly the meaning of the phenomenologist's basic principle, known as intentionality.

On the other hand, there are aspects of Kelly's theory that are not so congenial to phenomenology. First, he was a true theory-builder, and the technical detail of his theory shows it. Phenomenologists, on the other hand, tend to avoid theory. Second, he had high hopes for a rigorous methodology for psychology—even using the experimental scientist as his "fruitful metaphor." Most phenomenologists are much more skeptical about experimentation.

The emphasis on theory-building, fine detail, and the hope for a rigorous methodology do make Kelly very appealing to modern cognitive psychologists. Time will tell whether Kelly will be remembered as a phenomenologist or a cognitivist!

Readings
The basic reference for George Kelly is the two volume Psychology of Personal Constructs (1955). The first three chapters are available in paperback as A Theory of Personality (1963). Kelly wrote a number of very interesting articles as well; most of these are collected into Clinical Psychology and Personality: Selected papers of George Kelly, edited by Brendan Maher (1969).



This essay is an abridged version of the original written by
Dr. C. George Boeree
Psychology Department
Shippensburg University of Pennsylvania
available at:
http://www.ship.edu/~cgboeree/kelly.html

It has been created for undergraduate and graduate courses in Personality Theories. While it is copyrighted, you may download it or print it out without permission from the author, as long as the material is used only for personal or educational purposes, and the source is indicated.

Pantun Raya Orang Bujang

Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri
Duduk di rumah masak sendiri
Pergi rumah orang makan free

Sweetie, How Much Should You Give Up to Keep That Relationship: I Can Answer That!
by Debra J. Palardy
1st Books Library

Book Review by Azlan Adnan

You have a boyfriend and it’s a really exciting time for you. Your relationship is very intense. He focuses all his attention on you, all the time. He wants you every waking minute. He’s always telling you he thinks only of you. He actually means it too.

It’s nothing like the cool reserved relationships your friends have. Yours is always so full of passion. You almost feel sorry for your friends. They don’t know the joy of his white hot love. He’s every girl’s dream. To be loved that intensely is something that you’ve always dreamed of. Now that you have it; you won’t give it up.

But there is just one problem: he loves you so much that he is insanely jealous and will hurt you if don’t do anything and everything that does not put you right in his presence and under his complete control. He wants to isolate you from everyone.

When you see him and none of the things you tell him seems to comfort him, does he have a familiar look in his eyes right before he strikes you verbally or physically?

Does he ask you to leave your home and make one with him? Does he ask this because he just hates to part with you at the end of the day? The real reason is because he needs you alone and under his complete control. There is nothing more predictable than a control freak looking for the ultimate control.

He tells you the intensity of your relationship is born from the way you make him feel. He keeps telling you your problems are unique to the love the two of you share. He’s lying. There is nothing unique about a control freak. It’s classic. Don’t let him. If he gets his way, you will lose yours.

He has had or will have the same problems with all the relationships in his life. You’re just the current young lady having her spirit sucked dry by him. Abusive partners have varied backgrounds that can range from the poorest to the most affluent.

If you’re a victim of violence, do not think that one day your partner will change and everything will be back to normal again. It simply gets worse. Only fifteen percent of abusive partners ever change for the better, and even then, only slightly and after serving a prison term.

You need to get out of that relationship before its too late.

This book is for young ladies trapped in such abusive relationships. Its purpose is to give them the inner strength they need to make informed decisions to avoid the lion’s share of pain and heartbreak victims of dating violence would otherwise face by offering a way out of these relationships.

They’ll read how such relationships seemed to feel good at first, what make them stay, how there’s no romantic spin on jealousy, what it cost them by staying too long and, most importantly, how to get free.

Sweetie is certain to be a godsend for every young lady currently trapped in an abusive relationship. It is also certain to educate every girl not yet trapped in dating violence, so that she can recognise it at the onset.

After reading Sweetie, every girl will understand with clarity the psychology of an abusive partner. That means for every girl who reads this book today, an abusive partner will be out of business tomorrow.

###570 words###

On being the kind of person that I am...

I shudder when I look at the body of people around me. So many of them are one-dimensional; homogenous; generic. They do the same things every weekend. They wear the same clothes and always eat the same foods, they always sit at tables with the exact same set of people. Blindly, they accept what is fed to them; I think half of them still pretend to be religious by going to the mosque once a week. Sheep. Followers. Lemmings. Afraid to be anything other than the norm.

Maybe they're content with that and I have no right to criticize. But still, I pity them. I see them all over the city, always with the exact same expression frozen onto their faces.

The girls titter at bad jokes and are afraid to take a bus to the city by themselves. The boys call obnoxious slang to each other as evidence of their machismo, and hide under superficial conversation topics.

Don't these people ever do anything different? Don't they ever read, other than just for work? Don't they ever run, other than just to diet or "beef up"? Doesn't everything ever strike them as feeling good, so that they don't have to resort to catty elitism?

These are the people I've worked with all my life--tired adults who watch television every evening when they come home, and do nothing else.

Tired adults who schlep off to jobs in rush hour traffic, the monotony mind-numbing, so that after a few years feeling isn't even required.

When I look around and try to figure out who I am, I know that I didn't take any cues from these people. They are everything that I am not.

Maybe that explains why I'm finally reaching a point in my life where I can be happy--at least I know what I don't want. What I don't want is to be one of them. And I'm not, definitely not, thank God.

What Sign of Affection Are You?



cuddle and a kiss on the forehead - you like to be
close to your special someone and feel warm,
comfortable, and needed


What Sign of Affection Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

Maria Hazrina

SWEET SIXTEEN!

and also to
Ezrah of Kota Kinabalu

many happy returns

SUPPLICATION
dedicated to all my friends taking exams

I pray that you get plenty of rest and good sleep,
the ability to step back and analyse the questions,
total memory recall, peace of mind, clarity of thought,
that you excel in your exams and succeed brilliantly!

BALIK KAMPUNG
inspired by Maria Joy Rowan
and dedicated to all my friends who have some driving to do in the next week

Do have a safe journey,
please drive carefully.
Make allowances for the drunks and those in a mad hurry.
And come back safely,
to your loved ones and family.

went to the doctor this morning. sat down. told him i had pyrexia and delirium. some sort of urti, since 5 am saturday. told him i had no appetite and had lost a lot of weight which, in itself, is no bad thing. my throat probably inflamed or injected. ear-ache, left ear. he asked if i had any discharge from the ear. i said no. he had a peep with his whatever-you-call-it-scope. said he could only see ear wax, cheeky bugger. he took a tongue depressor and had a look at my throat. injected - as opposed to inflamed - with meant my salivary glands were infected, too. which explained the loss of appetite. the nurse stuck a thermometer under my tongue, but as luck would have it, my temperature was normal then. shit, why isn't it the worse whenever i see a doctor? he decided to give me some antibiotic cover to prevent opportunistic infections. penglobe? no. amoxicillin? no. ceporex. a 4th generation cephalosporin broad spectrum wonder drug. 2 tablets 3 times a day for a week. 42 tablets in all. i liked that - no fasting for a week. haha. but seriously, my water intake is so low, it would be daft to fast. and i'm not eating anything anyway. he prescribed some pcm - paracetamol (panadol) for the fever. asked if there's any stronger anti-pyretic he could give me because the delirium and recurrent dreams were the pits. bruphen, he said. isn't that an analgesic, i asked? he said, well, yes, but brings down fever as well. decided to stick with the pcm. he asked if i had a cough. actually, i didn't but dreaded dragging myself to the clinic again in case one developed so i said only just started this morning - so he gave me some black cough mixture. at the pharmacy, the dispenser was being mean - gave me only 15 tablets of pcm. i could do with a lot more. i finished 10 since saturday. but all in all, its not bad for free treatment at the poliklinik kommuniti tanglin. foc because i'm a blood donor, or else i'd have to fork out a hefty $1. don't you just love living in malaysia?

~ • ~

MY SOCIAL WISH LIST
Intelligence is sexy to this gentleman. If a lady friend I find physically attractive isn't also bright, articulate and someone I can trust and talk to, I'm not interested. I’ve learnt the hard way that young babes are bankrupt in every direction except in looks. The ladies I'm seeking need to possess, above all, sincerity and candour, and should be very open with their feelings as the foundation of intimacy is truth.

We need to be able to communicate well as I believe communication based on mutual respect and honesty is key to any relationship, be it a platonic friendship.


COMMENTARY
by a lady friend whom I suspect would prefer anonymity

It is indeed intelligent to separate the bankrupt babes from the lovely ladies and even more so to be able to recognize the difference. Physical attractiveness alone is no longer the benchmark and it would best be complemented with a "beautiful mind." Beauty at its physical dimension may be in the eyes of the beholder but what of the mind?

Physical beauty may be appreciated by the eyes within seconds but to really know someone, to learn what makes them tick, to appreciate the way they think, what lies within, beneath the surface... takes time.

Can they match your wit? Can they relate to your logic? Will they have anything stimulating to offer to you mentally?

They may, or they may not. But what's definite is, you're not about to discover that in a matter of minutes. That’s the beauty of it. And that's a risk worth taking, an investment in time worth making.

I'd rather invest my time in someone who can speak their mind, who doesn't oblige and say certain things to live up to society's expectations, just to be "nice," or to avoid offending or troubling you for the sake of harmony which inevitably will rise to a crisis eventually.

So, yes, I would very much appreciate someone who is open with their feelings, thoughts and opinions while maintaining mutual respect in the relationship.

~ Source: Undisclosed

Jambatan Do Tamparuli
Famous Kadazandusun love song
contributed by Ezrah of Kota Kinabalu

Pak-pak kangku'n do
Sumunsui do Jambatan
Jambatan do Tamparuli Bakasut tinggi oku

Sumusui do jambatan
Jambatan do Tamparuli
Pak-pak kangku'n do
Bakasut tinggi oku

Silaka nodi kasutku
Naeatu loh'd jambatan
Tinggal poh do sukatin
Nowitku ginumuli

Ontok d hari tiga
Tomu loh d Tamparuli
Mingusuk poh hilo d kadai
Mogihum do kasut tinggi

Kiusak Totomou

Ika noi bunga ku
Kiusak totomou
Osindak tomod oh sinunion
Olomi nogi oh sinuruton
Oh! bungaku kiusak totomou

Soira koh nopo
Do kopomiusak
Kada kasaga kotuon do tulun
Tuh ati oku poingandad dika
Oh! bungaku piupus-upusku

Kada lumayu do otongkiadanku
Gulionku ie bokasari ika
Kunomoonku kupang do tua nu
Oh! bungaku kuisak totomou...

frenship4ever...

dedicated to Juliana Azman
of Sydney, Australia


In case I haven’t made it abundantly clear before,
Julie,
I want you to know I think you’re a gorgeous babe—
a top 1% world class beauty,
certainly.
But quite apart from what is skin deep, there are aspects of your personality
and inner beauty
that I am strongly drawn to: your intelligence, your humility,
your maturity,
your honesty,
your level-headedness and much,
much more.
I like what you say to me,
how you treat me
and, best of all, how you make me feel
since I got to know you in April 2003.
To quote you,
we have a "mere frenship but best buds,"
and
"i do treasure ur honesty though...
like I said...
frenship4ever..."

Bang Bang (My Baby Shot Me Down)
contributed by Juliana Azman
from Sydney, Australia

I was five and he was six
We rode on horses made of sticks
He wore black and I wore white
He would always win the fight

Bang Bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

Seasons came and changed the time
And I grew up, I called him mine
He would always laugh and say
"Remember when we used to play?"

"Bang Bang, i shot u down
Bang bang, u hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, i used to shoot u down"

Now he's gone, I don't know why
And till this day, sometimes I cry
He didn't even say goodbye
He didn't take the time to lie.

Bang Bang, he shot me down
Bang bang, I hit the ground
Bang bang, that awful sound
Bang bang, my baby shot me down.

THE ELEPHANT'S CHILD
by Rudyard Kipling

I Keep six honest serving-men:
(They taught me all I knew)
Their names are What and Where and When
And How and Why and Who.
I send them over land and sea,
I send them east and west;
But after they have worked for me,
I give them all a rest.

I let them rest from nine till five.
For I am busy then,
As well as breakfast, lunch, and tea,
For they are hungry men:
But different folk have different views:
I know a person small--
She keeps ten million serving-men,
Who get no rest at all!
She sends 'em abroad on her own affairs,
From the second she opens her eyes--
One million Hows, two million Wheres,
And seven million Whys!

GUILTY
by Cheryl Izatty
of Seremban

Should I have to tell the truth?
Should I pretend to be fine?
Should I have to use the rules?
All I want is you to be mine

I feel guilty for everything
Wanna say sorry for all the things
I didn’t mean to make you hurting
You just smile and say nothing

You never mad but made me smile
You never lie or made me cry
You never run and say good bye
All being with you is satisfy

POEMS OF LOVE & HATE
contributed by Lyn of Cyberjaya


If Only

If only tears could bring you back to me
If only love could find a way
What I would do, what I would give
If you returned to me someday
Somehow, somewhere
If my tears could bring you back to me

If only to want you for more than you know,
and learn about you for all you show
If only to feel your joy and understand your fear,
is what I want when you are near
If only to be shy in your presence
and conscious of my stance,
Makes me wonder
If only you feel that way too?

If only to be aroused when you are close
and concerned from afar
makes me want to know
who you really are
If only to feel your emotions
and show you I care
If only to give you my support
and let you know that I’ll be there

If only to want so much
and give you even more
If only to let you know I’ve been caring
and waiting by your heart’s door
If only I knew how
If only I could show
If only I wasn’t so afraid
of being emotional for you

For if only I could show you,
and express what it is I feel for you
If only I could say
If only you knew



Love and Hate

Then,
I was so naive,
I was so lonely and a dull girl,
I always thought that my life was boring,

Suddenly,
when I saw you,
I felt so happy,
I had finally found somebody,
I thought my life was going to change,
I showered you with love,
But you showed me hate,
I just don't have a clue,
Why are you feeling that way?

Now,
I don't care about the answer,
I just want to thank you,
For letting me taste,
The sweetness and bitterness of love,
Even though you were never there,
To share this perfect feeling with me,

Someday,
Even if you learn,
That hating me is a mistake,
I will never accept you,
My heart is too hurt and never will mend,
I know how a real man,
Will react to this situation,
You are not one of them,
But you will always remain to be,
The love I'll never forget…


~ Source: Unknown

On a Positive Note

On a positive note I’ve learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.

I’ve learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he or she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and 6 months out-of-a-job.

I’ve learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you’ll miss them when they’re gone from your life.

I’ve learned that making a “living� is not the same thing as making a “life.�

I’ve learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance.

I’ve learned that you shouldn’t go through life with a catcher’s mitt on both hands. You need to be able to throw something back.

I’ve learned that if you pursue happiness, it will elude you. But if you focus on your family, your friends, the needs of others, your work and doing the very best you can, happiness will find you.

I’ve learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision.

I’ve learned that even when I have pains, I don’t have to be one.

I’ve learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love that human touch—holding hands, a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.

I’ve learned that I still have a lot to learn.

I’ve learned that you should pass this on to someone you care about. I just did. Sometimes they just need a little something to make them smile.

Note: People will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.

~ Source: Unknown

SLOW DANCE

Have you ever watched kids…
on a merry-go-round?
or listened to the rain
slapping on the ground?
Ever followed a butterfly’s erratic flight?
Or gazed at the sun into the fading night?
You better slow down.
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

Do you run through each day on the fly?
When you ask “How are you?�
Do you hear the reply?
When the day is done
do you lie in your bed
with the next hundred chores
running through your head?
You’d better slow down
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

Ever told your child,
We’ll do it tomorrow?
And in your haste,
not see his sorrow?

Ever lost touch,
Let a good friendship die
Cause you never had time
to call and say “Hi�?
You’d better slow down.
Don’t dance so fast.
Time is short.
The music won’t last.

When you run so fast to get somewhere
you miss half the fun of getting there.
When you worry and hurry through your day,
it is like an unopened gift…
thrown away.
Life is not a race.
Do take it slower
Hear the music
before the song is over.

~ Source: Unknown

LEAVE ME ALONE
by Cheryl Izatty
of Seremban

You came then go
Left my life feeling so slow
Thus pain was inside you’ll never know
Your swear doesn't mean anything
Your heart never stopped lying
Why can't you stop hurting
Another person’s heart?
Don't you feel guilty, of all thus things you do?
Don't you feel the pain? If you at da' same site
You leave me endlessly, thou all da' pain alone
Never look back, now you come again
Bringing your broken heart
Expecting me to accept, to take you back into my life
Never was set on my site
Now leave me alone
Don't you ever beg to come
Cuz' this heart were never get it down
Never turn back a'round