Next, please!

with many thanks to Tina Elaine

I received the following short piece (in italics) from a friend today along with 18 other Life's Useful Lessons. I didn't want to reproduce all of the lessons here as they would detract from the profound impact of its meaningful message. Below it, is a piece I wrote recently on a similar theme. I thought it would be enlightening to reproduce it here as the juxtaposition with the piece from Tina Elaine may lead us to read it in new light.


If someone does not like you, even if they once did, give up. Even if you succeed in temporarily getting them to like you, it will take escalating work to maintain the relationship.

Seek your partners among those that naturally like you. The rest might as well be invisible vis a vis potential partners. Chasing after people who have rejected you is as silly as going to the movies and waiting for some movie star to become your partner.

On the other hand, don't presume people won't like you just because they are extraordinarily wonderful or beautiful. Pay attention to the objective clues as to how well they like you, not to how well you calculate they should like you based on your relative pecking order status.

Hollywood convention is that if the girl rejects the guy in the first reel, guaranteed they will be married in the last. Real life does not work that way. Movies are just wishful fantasies.


Finding your Prince Charming, ladies, is like flipping a deck of cards. Sometimes the first card you flip is a Prince. Sometimes you have to flip almost all the cards in the deck before you flip a Prince. It could even be among the last four cards you flip. If you shuffle the deck properly, there is no way of knowing which card you flip is going to be The Prince.

In real-life, whether you want to admit it or not, we all have criteria. Some ladies in their twenties, wouldn't befriend men my age, for example. I am not in their acceptable age range, according to their criteria.

Others would only want to befriend me if they think I'm loaded (I wish I were); irrespective of what my age is. To them, money has a higher priority than age. They ask not-so-subtle questions like "Do you play golf?" or "What car do you drive?" They want to know my net asset value, without actually having to mouth: "What is your net asset value?"

I have four main criteria to which I give equal weighting (in alphabetical order): beauty, intelligence, personality and youth, which needs to come as a total package. Although I aim for top 5% world-class beauty, I may settle for less (pandang tak jemu) if there are redeeming features in the other criteria. I aim for an IQ of more than 130. Don't get me started on personality theory and meta-values or else you'll be reading all night. Suffice it to say, we all need to befriend honest, virtuous and loving people with compassion and a sense of humour. I'm not interested in meeting women my age because they are either already somebody's wife or divorced with three kids and want to get married now! before menopause sets in. They have a window of opportunity and don't want to miss having children (or at least one child) with their new husband. They are not interested in being friends first. They want a husband and a whirlwind romance to achieve that end. They want a child to cement the marriage.

Of course, I'm being facetious and hyperbolic but you get my drift.

Of my four criteria, age and physical beauty may be appreciated by the eyes within seconds. It takes a little longer to know if someone is intelligent. But to really know someone, to learn what makes them tick, to appreciate the way they think, what lies within, beneath the surface... takes time. It takes time to get a feel for someone's personality and meta-values. Can they match your wit? Can they relate to your logic? Will they have anything stimulating to offer to you mentally?

They may, or they may not. But what's definite is, you're not about to discover their inner beauty in a matter of minutes. And that's a risk worth taking, an investment in time worth making.

It takes time because some people can fake a persona for months, or even years, particularly if they have a hidden agenda.

You need to start off all relationships on a platonic basis then mutually and reciprocally "upgrade" each other to a romantic relationship when both are comfortable doing so. You cannot jump into a romance straight away.

Many, less mature, men do that, especially if they find their beau physically attractive. Even when the lady is not ready for romance. Their logic is to "cekup cepat-cepat sebelum orang lain kebas." This is a big mistake.

Why? Because in love--romantic love--it takes two to tango. If one partner is keen in a disinterested other, it is not love. It is called infatuation.

A tango is a dance. Which means both partners need to move at the same pace. There is no use for the man to dance at a frenetic pace, leaving the lady standing still and bewildered. Both have to move at the same pace.

It works both ways. While a lady may have to befriend many frogs and toads before she finds her Prince, a man, too, must invest in many platonic friendships and a few romantic relationships before finding a good wife. Investing in friendships is not a waste of time or money, though it can be. Think of it as a learning experience. Each time we befriend someone, we learn something. Some new virtue to look for, some annoying trait to avoid next time.

With time, and some degree of lowering of expectations through re-iterative reality checks ("you ingat babe macam tu nak ke orang macam you? Rumah takde, kereta pun takde, cuba cermin sikit!") people usually find each other.

Hopefully.

Note:
My piece may also be found at the Love and Romance Page at my Friendship Site.

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From: ~*tiNaElaiNe*~
Date: Mar 18, 2004 05:41 PM

Thanks for the acknowledgement. Your article's fascinating.

"You need to start off all relationships on a platonic basis then mutually and reciprocally "upgrade" each other to a romantic relationship when both are comfortable doing so. You cannot jump into a romance straight away." (I guess this is awfully true.)

"Many, less mature, men do that, especially if they find their beau physically attractive. Even when the lady is not ready for romance. Their logic is to "cekup cepat-cepat sebelum orang lain kebas." This is a big mistake." ( haha! true true!!!)

Anyways, you have really high criteria, you know that? hehe. None of my friends fit to that! hehehe. Most definitely not I. I have IQ of only 120! hehe. Well, I guess you must take into consideration that the girl of your dreams may also have standards. You know what I mean? :) Well, I really wish you all the luck to your continuous struggle or quest in seeking your match ;)

"Each time we befriend someone, we learn something. Some new virtue to look for, some annoying trait to avoid next time. " (oooh annoying! hahaha. yeah, you're right! hehe)

With time, and some degree of lowering of expectations (Yeah this is what im talking about!!! lol) through re-iterative reality checks (re-iterative reality checks huh!!!! true, true) people usually find each other. :)

[Edited for clarity]