A question of etiquette

----------------- Bulletin Message -----------------
From: Miss C
Date: Mar 6, 2004 08:33 PM

if a boy and a girl have been together for a long time, should the guy/girl invite their significant other to friends' birthdays, weddings, etc? yes or no? and if it is yes? some of the time? most of the time? all of the time?

----------------- My Response -----------------

There is no hard and fast rule. Do whatever feels most comfortable, for both of you and well as the host.

If the both of you are "an item" and your friends and relatives know this, an invitation to you should rightly be for "Miss C and Partner." If the invitation is for "Miss C" only, then extending the invitation to include your partner without your host's knowledge and permission may cause problems with the catering arrangements as your significant other was not expected. This would also embarass your significant other, as he may feel excluded at the party. Besides, you should realise it's not you who's the host. You have no business inviting anybody. That's the host's prerogative; it's their party.

Having said that, if you get an invitation for "Miss C" only and you feel like bringing along your significant other, please clarify with your host if you may bring your significant other. Most hosts would be gracious enough to say they didn't realise you were both an item, apologise for the oversight, and say, of course, please extend the invitation to him as well. Your host would also make the necessary adjustments to the catering arrangements.

The next issue is your significant other. An invitation is just that ~ an invitation. It is up to you and your significant other to either accept or decline an invitation. You may both decide to both accept the invitation or ~ for various reasons ~ only for you to accept it. It is considered bad form for your significant other to accept the invitation and for you not to. That would be kinda weird, too.

Of course, the host may be mutual friends of you and your significant other and he may have received a separate invitation of his own. It that case, he may accept the invitation even if you should decline and there would be no etiquette issue.

Coming back to your significant other. Having received an invitation for "Miss C and Partner" ~ for you and your significant other ~ and you wish to accept the invitation and want to bring along your significant other, but he is unwilling to go. This is a likely scenario. You should be both open enough to discuss and understand his reluctance.

Say it's for a cousin's wedding and all your relatives would be there and he's not ready to face them. Perhaps you may reassure him it's no big deal. Or, perhaps, he is not ready to make a marital commitment to you and sees going to the wedding as "problematic." All your aunts and cousins would ask you when is your turn to get married and he just doesn't want to face all that pressure.

Or, it could be something as simple as he would be out of town, having to work over-time or would be otherwise indisposed at the time of the party. Discuss this with him. Talk to each other. Don't make assumptions!

As I have written elsewhere in my profile and at my friendship site, "communication based on mutual respect and honesty is key to any relationship" and also "you should be very open with your feelings as the foundation of intimacy is truth."

As a general rule of thumb, doing the right thing is doing what feels most comfortable for all parties concerned.